I've thought about this pretty extensively and there's not a whole lot I can do right. I'm kinda terrible at friendship, family, money, school, and especially relationships. I can't have my mind unoccupied for one moment or I dwell on such things. I think about every time I've fucked up with sending the wrong text message, saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing. Hell, I can't even run my magazine correctly most of the time.
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There's only two things I know I can do right. One is Warped Tour. I can be on Warped Tour, I can handle the heat, the parking lots, the lack of food, no time for showers, and every single wonderful that is Warped Tour. If it were every single day warm or cold, I would be there if I could. There's nothing in the world as magical as Warped Tour to me. This year, someone tried to fuck it up for me, but like I said, Warped Tour is something I'm good at so I Tim Gunned it. I wish I could be that great at everything in life.
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The one other "thing" I'm good at is... this one boy. I'm essentially a people person although I hate people. I can start up a conversation with just about anyone and manage to stay interesting for some time, but those people permanently in my life... I can't get them to return my calls, answer my text messages or even hang out with me most of the time. Hey I'm probably a shitty person, and I can't seem to change that so I'm learning to cope, but...
There's this boy, I refer to him as my not-boyfriend often. He doesn't make me feel like a fuck up. I never second guess myself when I'm talking to him. I never feel like I said the wrong thing. He understands me and loves me. He told me, I've never once made him angry and that amazes me because I'm quite positive my friends hate me half the time, but for some reason this boy, as Juno's dad says, "thinks the sun shine out of my ass." He thinks I'm perfect and although I know I'm far from it, there's a thousand reminders a day about how flawed I am. He's the one reminder that I'm not. I like myself when I'm with this boy, and that's more than I can say about any body. I don't feel insecure, I don't feel like I have to try or force things to work. It's the only time I can just be me and not worry that he's judging me. He's the only one that knows everything about me.
Now I'm not saying that everyone purposely makes me feel like crap because on my good days I know that's not true, what I'm saying is this boy makes me FEEL good, not a lot makes me feel good. Hell, almost nothing makes me feel good. I don't feel neurotic or manic around him, and it's usually the only time for weeks or months that I relax and just sit and talk with someone. If it were up to me, I would marry this boy tomorrow, and I genuinely mean that.
