"He Loves You, Yea Yea Yea"

Today is day #3 of me and my mother not speaking. I've gotta get out of here, asap. I just fried & baked chicken but they're not going to eat it, and then wonder why I don't cook for them. Whatever. I might have a cute boy over tomorrow since I cannot afford to go out to eat or to really leave this house until the 30th when I get paid again. This sucks, hopefully it's a decent sized check since $120 is already spoken for.

On a much better note, or different at least, I'm not really THAT upset about anything because yesterday, he told me he loved me. I don't think he realized he said it, but knowing him he probably was well aware. I mean it's definitely way too late but knowing there's a boy out there that loves me makes awful feel a bit softer.

I have finished my perpetually long to do list for the most part, which feels good, but due to a lack on money I had to make a pretty big decision about the magazine and I think I'm happy with my choice. My staff is driving me crazy though, but that's a given. As I said before I'm not having them be responsible for my therapy, so tonight will change some things.

I Hate Holidays.

I hate family. I hate talking on the phone with people I speak to once or twice a year. I hate grand dinners. I hate hours of wasted times. Me and my mother fight during every holiday. Nothing good comes from holidays. Even the phone calls from family on my birthday annoy the hell of me.

"I Think It's Fly When A Girl Stops By For The Summer"

Weird three days. I've been incredibly busy and now that I'm sitting here with a few hours to kill, I can feel that I'm quite tired. Movies on Wednesday was great. Yesterday I saw Louis for the first time in weeks, I also talked to Wesley. What is this nonsense? Thanks to "He's Just Not That Into You" I knew when it was a good idea to stop myself, and I'm happy for that :) I got to see Stephani today for the first time in a while and we got to catch up.

So today at the DMV I ran into a kid from high school that I always found quite cute. He used to be a jock but now he's really into school and as adorable as ever. We're hanging out on Tuesday, I'm trying not to get too excited but it's refreshing to have someone new/old in my life. I love & hate the beginning of what could turn into something wonderful.

Tonight, I'm going to see a few friends down by the water, but may skip out to go to a party with Steph sometime during the night. We'll see. "If you focus, even now, just one week into summer, you can almost feel autumn coming."

"Wait Til I Get My Money Right"

Today I'm going to blog about my life instead of bitching...

Yesterday crashed Lola, because of a slick exit, tons of people stopped to help me :) Spent the last $60 I had yesterday on copies and $10 to fix Lola up. No car wash for her, but I went to White Marsh and saw my boys in Hotspur, I really missed them, especially Cooper...

After that, movie screening with Alexa & Andrew. Away We Go was so fucking cute, seriously; then me and Andrew snuck into The Hangover, which reaffirmed that I really don't like comedies, best part about the whole movie was the photos at the end. The soundtracks on the two movies were so different.

Andrew: One day when I have have children I'm going to tell them about this night
Me: What you're going to say how, this one day I saw a really intelligent indie movie & then saw The Hangover...?
Andrew: Exactly." *high five*

Bahaha, I love this kid so much seriously.

Yesterday I got a few texts from people I like, which was wonderful, and I hope to see them all soon. Even though I crashed Lola, yesterday was such a nice day seriously. Spent it with friends, and pretty carefree once I realized my baby was okay, plus I woke up at like 11 haha.

"I Will Never Believe In Anything Again"

My mind, my fucking mind is a mess. Without my guy friends I feel so empty, so hollow. Females just don't understand me the way guys do.

I miss my friends so much. I'm going to write down every thought that's been in my mind the last few weeks without regard for who will read this because I have no other form of therapy.

I still don't understand how so many people can just turn their backs on me, and walk away. I don't know how I can be so replacable and forgettable. How can so many people I meet fall head over heels for me as a person; while others just walk away. What am I do wrong?

That being said, why does my life repeat itself so non-subtly? I found myself at a party this weekend, with another cute merchboy, and me being too intense. I can't stop being me, and I can't help that. But, why do I become fixated, my attention completely diverted to one thing. That night, all I wanted to do was make out, and my options were far more than just that one boy, that probably had a girlfriend, but it didn't matter, because I wanted him. What the fuck happened in my childhood that makes me act this way?

And I'm so lonely. I'm so fucking lonely. The boy I'm in love with got married. We're never going to speak again, I'm almost certain, I don't know what I'm going to do without him. I found myself crying on his shoulder about him so many times, and I'm sure if I saw a therapist, they'd tell me he's not good for me, but he's the reason I woke up every morning. He's the one person I could tell anything to and not feel like I was being judged, or bothering him, or acting stupid. I miss him so much, and I don't think he'll ever understand how much I love him.

Everyday, I prayed and hoped he'd realize he was marrying the wrong girl, and that he really loved me, but it never happened, he married that girl. I've lost all hope. God wasn't supposed to let this happen. God wasn't supposed to let him marry her. I don't believe in anything anymore, because the boy I love married someone else 2 weeks ago. How do I move past this? I want him to be happy, but why can't he be happy with me? I've had enough tests in my life, why can't I win just this one time? I spent almost every 11:11 wish I've ever made on him, and God still said no.

It's not as bad as death or illness or disease, but this hurts worse than anything I've ever experienced, and I think I could handle any of those things if I got to be with him. I feel like I could handle anything with him, in his arms nothing matters, and I feel so safe, nothing could hurt me when I'm with him.

But then again, he probably just wanted me for whatever he wanted me for. I still can't put out of my head that he was probably just using me. I'll never be that important to anyone. One day, I want to be someone's everything, I'd settle for someone's anything, really? Why can't anyone love me? The easy part is falling in love, the hard part is having someone love you back...

Now that this happened, I can't believe in anything anymore, everyday I wake up, trying to figure out what my motivation is, why I get up in the morning, because most days he was the reason, not my magazine, not music or whatever other bullshit I spew constantly, he was my reason. He was why the sun shined and the earth spun. He was the reason why mornings exist.

The magazine, I don't even know. I'm so fucking sick of my staff not doing what I ask them to do. I don't believe it's that hard, and I find it difficult to not fire half of them often. Now, I don't really care, I just might. I don't care about anything anymore. I'm working so hard but it's just not quite good enough, I just need that one big break to take over the world. I'm so close it feels like, but all I want to do is sleep. I sleep and dream of being in his arms more than anything else.

I'm so scared that I'll never get to where I want to be in the world. I see all the people out there, being where they want to be and it scares me. I went on tour for the first time about a week ago (I have a tour journal), it was amazing. I think this is how people get their start, get that in. I'm 19 years old, and everytime I say this people are amazed and think I'm much older, I'll take this to mean I must be doing something right, but then I look at people out there 19 & 20 years old at the top of their game.

I can't help but compare myself, but I have to say they're all male, and live in bigger cities than Baltimore. I feel like had I been born in that situation I would have already taken over the world, but hey you have to play the hand you're dealt. I have no other choice but to make it, get on more tours, make some money, and get the magazines out. I feel like if anyone deserves to get far, it's me, I've worked so hard for so long, but hey I thought I deserved to be with him also. So 5 years from now when I'm working in some office as a receptionist I'll look back to this and think, God must hate me for some reason because I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.

Maybe it's not my time, maybe I'll find a new love and maybe all my dreams will come true next week, next month, next year, or maybe they won't. I'm too old to believe in miracles, all I see is the here and now. My last bit of idealism went out the window, and I'm jaded about everything now. I have absolutely no reason to believe that anything wonderful will ever happen again. The one opportunity to be shown life doesn't suck, and I'm lovable, and that I won't end up alone, that dreams do come true, and miracles happen--and God let him marry that girl. We all need a reason to believe, I don't have one anymore.

June 1st I met a boy. We kissed in the parking lot, a cute kiss. We talked for hours, he seemed like a nice boy. I'm supposed to see him this weekend. He probably just wants to hook up. I don't think I'm gonna go. I'm not driving three hours just to feel like shit again.