"Friends Who Never Loved You Nearly Half As Much As Me"

Yesterday I discovered a whole lot about my life that I thought I was already completely aware of. After a night at Recher with 800+ people I wish I felt more. It wasn't the same as 4 years ago, I wasn't excited. I was annoyed. I still do have such a strong appreciation for the talent of The Apathy Eulogy.

After a dinner with Mary, I headed to Dan's house. A lot of the time I've mentioned how I've always want to hang out with new kids, but walking into Dan's house I saw my past in a way I wasn't a fan of. I couldn't handle being in that house, because those weren't my friends anymore, and haven't been for quite some time.

So I leave to go to the most familiar place I know after midnight, Pat & Devin's, of course. Weekends for years I've been going here with slight disdain at times. But walking up to the door and seeing Ryan, I'm pretty sure I've never said more than two sentences to him until yesterday, not like we spoke anything particularly meaningful.

Eventually the house filled with the kids I see every weekend, and it's funny because as much as I may protest, these kids are my friends. These are the kids I've spent years with. My life wouldn't be the same without all of them even though it's taken me a while to realize this, even the kids that weren't there but might as well have been.

Also what I'm amazed at is how talented some of my friends are. Not the kids I've met over the years, but the ones I've grown up with, the ones I watched expand on their talents in ways I could have never imagined. Bands like All Time Low, The Brighter Shades, The Everlove, The Dialouge, and I'm sure a million more. I'm so proud to call these people my friends, and I'm amazed at what they can do. I think I take them for granted sometimes, even though I'm trying not to anymore.

After spending 3 hours with Monique & Pat talking about music, I discovered alot about music and Pat. I've been coming to Pat's house for years now, and I've never known that much about him, so it was nice to spend so much time with the two of them. I never knew how much Pat cares about the local scene, I don't find too many people like that anymore.

I'm not sure what the point of this blog is but I really just wanted to say this all. Sometimes it doesn't take too much to figure out who your friend are, except being with people that aren't.

...

Stop. I'm so serious right now, please stop. I don't want to ruin this because I like this, I think it's cute, but...

Listen... I'm attracted to you. I'm so attracted to you. You couldn't even begin to imagine--actually maybe you can understand because after today. Clearly you're attracted to me. You can't keep your hands off me, and I can't understand why exactly. I seriously wish I could take whatever is going on in your mind and give it to a guy that I can actually have because, I've never met a guy more attracted to me than you are. But you're only attracted to me physically.

If it was more than physical you wouldn't be getting married next month, you'd think twice about it at least, and I know you haven't. I'm attracted to you on so many different levels, and that's what you can't understand. You'll probably never understand that.

So I can't kiss you. You want to know why. I know if I kiss you, you're going to leave me. You're going to walk out of this door, and get in your car and go home to your fiance, and your house and your fucking dogs.

When I kiss you, it gives me this false hope that maybe this time you'll stay. Maybe this time you'll decide I'm more important and you won't leave me. But you always do, and this time I can't let that happen, because it never gets any easier to see you leave. Every single day I know what's coming, and I can't keep doing this to myself.

Maybe this time when I don't kiss you, you'll realize you can't have me anytime you want me anymore. Maybe you'll think twice about what you're about to do (even though I know you won't) because you can't have your cake and eat it too.

"From All The Dive Bars and Rock Stars That Plague This Place"

I haven't had a good day in a while so I think I want to blog about it right now.

Went to pick up calendars for work to drop them off. Of course, it's freezing outside like always because I have bad luck so I trekked through the city by myself with 30 degree weather, ugh. But I do love being in the city all day.

I had spend most of the prior night talking to Louis, and when he awoke around noon he txted me, we were gonna do lunch but he ended up just coming over and hanging out for a while. I got very upset because I just didn't know what to do... I apologized alot, as did he.

Time to get to Monique's to go to Jersey. Get there and soon after meet up with Fiona & Rachel in their car, told them about my awesome Bammy dream with the swim up bar! Our kids: Bam Bam, SrryboutYa Luck, Secret... Secret Valentine, Boozle. Oh Jesus... Also heard about crazy Japanese band!

Farewell rolls up at like 9:00PM, go inside say hi to a few of them, peace out to WaWa, back and Mayday & The Audition dance session, and we're told that we have to make the room of 50 kids look like... 400 hahaha. "Let's get this over with so we can party." Wil looking like he belongs in Rancid (which I'm more than aok with) calls me & Monique out for our dancing, evidently we've been practicing for the last 6 months obviously. Kids in front turn around to see during the last song, alot of jumping from the crowd it was silly.

The Academy Is... is played so we continue dancing, the guys walk by and go "AND THEY'RE STILL DANCING!" and I'm like wtf where did they come from? hahaha. Dance with hotass for a sec on multiple occasions. Meet random Michigan band that swears they were in The Audition. The girls felt the need to entertain them, I wasn't feeling it...

Went outside to say bye to the boys, found Waldo... Mild flirting because I can't help myself, teaching of new vocab, plans for parking lot dance parties, and taking notes. It was hilarious and ridiculous. Love new keyboardist & merch boy (from fucking Australia).

Hilarious over the shoulder cringes. We're told we won't get high fives unless we go to Super Walmart, so we did... Wil is so fucking picky ahaha. Justin's hummus was not trying to scan. Said bye to all the kids and headed home. Psh, you had to be there. It was just a good night.

Sometimes I need to go to a show with only a few kids and a band I like, with a random Walmart trip, stoked to see them next month :)

"Do Your Part To Save The Scene"

To do a quick February & March recap:

Got mad at dumb bands, dumb sluts and dumb people. Ram's Head twice in 3 days. Saw Delicious the second time, so worth it. I love that boy. Philadelphia, Hamilton, fighting, yelling, screaming. God! FUCK YOU & YOUR BAND.

Brings me to March... work work school school. People popping back in my life for no reason. Central VA, party party party. Spring Break, New Kids on the Block, show, Science Center, Hamilton, show, show, dinners. But uh... not in that order.

Glad Baltimore is attempting to get their shit together, but only slightly. Loving The Everlove, developed a crush, tons of craziness, not enough time to breath, until the end of March, tons of partying.

I don't think I saw my close friends much (I don't think i have much of those left anyway). Did see alot of people I really like though, and a lot I despise. People trying to talk to me, who I clearly did NOT want to be friends with. Like Red Jumpsuit said, AND DON'T YOU FAKE IT. I don't have time to fake being nice to you, you don't exist.

A couple of different cities, nothing really changed, no new friends really, kissed a few boys though. It's whatevs, it's Spring time, time to stat a new, and figure out where I stand with people or where I want them to stand with me.

"There Are Fine Lines I've Seen We Are Stuck In Between"

I hate writing blogs when I'm fairly uncertain about the status of my life. Which is probably why I haven't blogged in four weeks. I'm not a fan of things without conclusions. I don't enjoy "To Be Continued." I think I purposely waited until today to write this because one chapter of my life is finally closed. I've lost one of my best friends, it's been a long time coming, but I finally have closure from it.

A lot og things in my life are still very opened unfortunately, and shit that I thought was locked, dead-bolted with a "DO NOT ENTER" sign have Houdini-ed themselves back into my life somehow.

Currently, my biggest opened door is Scene Trash, of course. Our big three year anniversary is only a few weeks away, and I'm very worried about how it's going to go. Things are going really well with Scene Trash but it could always be going better.

Also, I like a boy right now, and I don't ant to over think it, or over analyze because I'm notorious for doing both, but after last night I could come to the conclusion that he's not into me. Although I always hate admitting things like this to myself, and especially in a public blog, it's very evident that I need a new best guy friend anyway, so looks like I may have one in case the whole crush thing doesn't quite work out.

School's looking good except I'm worried about my science course, another open door. No idea what's up with one on my best friends and I'm anxious about Bamboozle and my money situation.

I kind of just need to sit down and talk to someone, and just say all of this to them and have them understand, not judge me, just understand. Everyone's too busy with their own lives.

My calendar's a bit overwhelming as always but on a lighter note, I heard from Wesley on Saturday. How weird is that? Still as attractive as ever, missed him. Oh and as for Adam... who knows?

I'm not a fan of uncertainty or unanswered questions, so let's just fast forward a bit and see how it all panes out "Heroes" style. (Oh I've been watching a whole lot of "Heroes" lately).

I can't handle limbo, I'm pretty sure purgatory would be worse than hell.