"I Love The Way She Said LA"

So I go to Monique's blog & there's a montage to Almost Famous with an amazing TAI song "After The Last Midtown Show", go to Shannon's blog and she's talking about Perks of Being a Wallflower... My favorite movie, my favorite book, one of my favorite bands, and my favorite person.

Obviously this is a sign. It makes my heart hurt to see these clip, hear this song and read the quotes. I'm not going to draw this out because there's no need to, I know I'm getting consistently more and more jaded with life, and the fucked up world of music I've surrounded myself with and all I know is...

I need to feel infinite again for just one night, as soon as possible (and I hope I have the perfect playlist).

Right here, the best days of our lives.

"Get The Fuck Up, She Said Your Life Is Meaningless"

FUCK! Where did January go? On the bright side the one thing I set out to do this winter I accomplished. I hit up a bunch of stores to get the magazines sold there, so I'm not disappointed in myprogress this month.

What I did do is, get a new job working in Marketing at Missiontix.com, I danced on my first bar, I learned to play Chess, I turned 19, and I think I may have had my heart broken again... but not in that order.

Somehow managed to put out a new issue, hung out on a tour bus, got on some guest lists, skipped some shows, passed my online class exams, and made some new friends.

As far as specifics, it's late and I have to go to work tomorrow, but it was the same old, same old. Flirting with kids I shouldn't flirt with, new numbers I shouldn't have, being ignored and forgotten, crossing alot of state lines, dancing around and having cute boys join. Some things I'll never get sick of.

I think I want to start figuring out what have significantly changed since the last time I've blogged, but nothing life changing has occurred. Maybe I'll look back on it all and realize it was a much bigger deal than I initially thought, hopefully in a good way...

Oh remember that bridge I shouldn't cross, car I shouldn't get in, whoops. February, I'm gonna stick to my resolutions because so far, I'm not doing to well... Actually, I'm not doing terribly now that I look it over. Gotta step it up though.

I need something big to happen, something huge. I need a break from the ordinary, hop on a bus, plane or train. Maybe I'll come back.

----------------
Now playing: A Bird A Sparrow - An Attempt To Say
via FoxyTunes

2008 Christmas List (Updated)

Rumour Has It I Have A Birthday Coming Up... (Party Details Soon)

2008 Christmas List

Even though me & Monique had this discussion about how I shouldn't have to do this, I'm doing this. Here's my pseudo-Christmas List for 2007. If you find something better, go for it! I'm not that picky :)

BOOKS. (Amazon Wish-List)
I'm with the Band: Confessions of a Groupie by Pamela Des Barres
lastnightsparty: Where Were You Last Night? by Merlin Bronques
Misshapes by Geordon Nicol
Nothing Feels Good: Punk Rock, Teenagers, and Emo by Andy Greenwald
Revolution on Canvas, Volume 1 & 2: Poetry from the Indie Music Scene by Rich Balling
The Hipster Handbook by Robert Lanham
Your Scene Sucks by Rob & Maggie Dobi
I hope you are all happy now by Nicholas Zinner
A Lifetime of Secrets: A PostSecret Book by Frank Warren
Hipster Haiku by Siobhan Adcock
I Was There: Gigs That Changed the World by Mark Paytress
Toothpaste For Dinner by Drew
Amazing Rain by Sam Brown
Urban Dictionary: Fularious Street Slang Defined by urbandictionary.com
The Official Punk Rock Book of Lists by Amy Wallace
Our Band Could Be Your Life: Scenes from the American Indie Underground 1981-1991 by Michael Azerrad

COMPLETE SEASONS.
Popular
Nip/Tuck
State of Grace
As Told By Ginger
One Tree Hill
The Wonder Years
Clueless
Moesha
Boy Meets World

OTHERS.
Poster size show photos
Western Digital 250GB Cherry Red Hard Drive
MP3-Capable Tape Recorder
The cassette, CD converter thing
Winter wear (earmuffs, scarves, gloves)
Canon RX680 3-in-1 Printer
Casio Exilim EX-Z80 (Green)
This boy
Your Scene Sucks Portrait
Rain Boots (Size 10)
Magazine Rack
CD Rack
Shoe Rack
Hollister - August Scent
Board Games

DO NOT BUY ME. (this does not apply to Monique):
CDs - I download illegally for free :)
Clothes - I have way more than I need.
Shoes - I'm really really picky
Giftcards - If you can't think of something to buy me, I'd rather you buy nothing at all.

----------------
Now playing: Sherwood - The Only Song
via FoxyTunes

"Joke Me Something Awful, Just Like Kisses On The Necks Of Best Friends"

Where do you draw the line between best friend & girlfriend? Is a girlfriend just a best friend you sleep with sometimes? If that's the case, if a by happens to be sleeping with a girl that's NOT his girlfriend, what makes him stay with her instead of the other girl?

I don't get the distinction. Maybe that's why I'm always single, but it seems to me that guys always choose the wrong girls to date, which means they have to uh... compensate for that in another way. What I'm referring to is not just physical. I'm talking about guys with girl bff's also that they spend more time with than their own girlfriend.

Like I said, where is the line drawn, and why is it drawn that way? I'm sick of always having to have my toes on the wrong side of that line. Maybe I'm just not girlfriend material; but what the fuck does that even mean? I guess that's another blog entry...

2008 RECAP

Because playing The Sims for 3 hours is a bad idea... I'm going to finally write my 08 Recap. I can't remember exactly what happened in the beginning of the year but right now the last few months fucking sucked, so hopefully I have some fond memories in the earlier months.

Winter 2008 (January through March)

• Became legal (Jan 23)
  
• Hung out with Alexa, Monique, Steph & Mandy weekly
• Saw Cloverfield, Juno, I Am Legend, Across The Universe
  
• Birthday Dinner  (Jan 27)
• Worked alot
• Brief Job at Liberty Tax
• Brief Job at ePhilanthropy
  
• Lost my new job
• Severely Depressed
• First Hotel Party
  
• Jason...
  
• Met Dream Boy (Feb 10)
• Tours: Really Really Ridiculously Good Looking Tour
• New Friends: The White Tie Affair, Every Avenue, Danger Radio, Farewell, The Maine
  
• CD Title Life motto: "Shh. Just Go With It"
• In Rotation: The Audition - Champion, The Maine - The Way We Talk, The Juno Soundtrack, Metro Station - Self-Titled, The Almost - Southern Weather, Yellowcard - Paper Walls, Farewell - Isn't This Supposed To Be Fun?
  

Spring 2008 (April through June)

• Worst news of my life
• Marc...
• Started using Twitter
• Natalie, Josh, Meg, Zack <3
• LOU
• Chicago...
• Alot of Ritas
• New phone
  
• Dream Boy 6 times in 8 days
• New Job at CBS Radio
• Tours: AP Tour, Bamboozle, PacSun Tour, Long Hair Don't Care
• New friends: ForgetMeNot, Boys Will Be Boys
  
• In Rotation: Punk Goes Crunk, The White Tie Affair - Walk This Way, Forever The Sickest Kids - Underdog Alma Mater
  
• CD Title Life Motto: Get In Where You Fit In

Summer 2008 (July through September)

• WARPED FUCKING TOUR!!!
• Meg & Zack <3
• Busy Busy Busy
• Summer Classes
• Met Dream Boy #2
• Tours: Warped Tour, Shortest Tour Ever
  
• New Frends: Hit The Lights, Mercy Mecedes, The Morning Of
• In Rotation: Hit Th Lights - Skip School Start Fights, Punchline - 37 Everywhere, Cartel - Cartel, The Rocket Summer - Do You Feel, Mercy Mercedes - 1.21 Gigawatts, Yellowcard - Paper Walls, Motion City Soundtrack - Even If It Kills Me
  
• CD Life Motto: Can't Stop Won't Stop

Fall 2008 (October through December)

• Monique's Birthday
• OBAMA, OBAMA, OBAMA!!!
• Staff Hangs <3
• Adam...
  
• Discovered Myself
• Scene Trash in Stores :D
  
• Tours: No Ho Ho Ho's On Guest List Tour, Compromising of Integrity, Morality & Principles in Exchange for Money Tour, Sassyback, Bill & Trav's Bogus Adventure Tour
  
• In Rotation: Sing It Loud - Come Around, Mercy Mercedes - 1.21 Gigawatts, Fall Out Boy - Folie a Deux, Four Year Strong - Get Rich of Die Trying, Senses Fail - Still Searching
  
• CD Life Motto: We All Need A Reason To Believe; So Young So Insane

Oh hey look the beginning months sucked too. At least I have consistency. 107 Shows, and 12 issues later and this is what I have to show for it. Too much drama, too much sadness, thought my friends hated me, too many shitty boys. Not alot of new friends because I'm friends with everyone I want to be friends with at this point, but I'm accepting applications. Thank you so much to the friends that stuck around for an entire 12 months, and the boys that give me a reason to leave my house.

"Gotta Know When To Hold Em, Know When To Fold Em"

Sometimes I can walk away from a boy and a relationship with absolutely no problem. Number deleted, screen name deleted, no longer friends on MySpace, he's just gone.

And then there's sometimes where I just can't let go. I don't understand why but I cannot move on. There's something about some boys that keep me soooo hooked in, that I can't walk away. These boys are the constants in my life, the what if's and the maybe's. They drive me crazy and I know it'd be best if I just left them alone by like Derek said, "we both know that I'm not that strong."

I think somewhere in me I have this mentality that, no one will like me as much as they do. They're the best I can get, and I've already invested this much time in it, why waste it. I think this is a sign of a lack of confidence on my part. Basically, I'll take what I can get, and these boys are the ones that happen to stick around even though they kind of treat me like shit.

What I've noticed is that so many people do this same thing, but usually in relationships. They stay in shitty relationships because they're so familiar with the person and are too afraid to try something new because they're so comfortable. At least they have a relationship though. I'm all by myself and somehow still wrapped around people's fingers.

I wish I could remember there really are more fish in the sea, but there's a few that keep tugging on that hook for way too long, and I can't seem to reel any other fish in. I'm finally going to try to go ahead and toss them overboard, and stop hurting myself, I don't need people in my life that don't like me as much as I like them, friends or romance-wise, if that means I'm alone then so be it.

I wish I liked myself more, I guess I'll add that to my resolutions.

"Try To Forget Me & Just Move On"

This is a rant. So I'm warning you now, don't read this.

I'm so fucking sick of being ignored, and as I've said to some friends who've needed to hear it lately, you need to take your life into you own hands. I've stopped talking to a lot of people, they may or may not have noticed, but that's not really my concern.

I understand that people are busy, but I'm one of the busiest people I know. I run a magazine, I go to school, I have a job and I just got a second one. I'm not sitting on my ass all day WAITING for you to contact me. Actually, the problem is, I am. People decide they want to take a break from me or maybe everyone then I'm supposed to happily take them back into my life days, weeks, months, years later. I'm so sick of that. Maybe it's cool for some people, but that's not how I operate. It's not just one person or two, it's almost everyone I've ever met, which makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong in my life.

What I don't understand is what exactly is so hard about replying to a txt, message, email or call. I have never ignored a friend regardless of how busy or how much sleep I've gotten. I've hopped out of bed in the middle of the night to answer a call or to pick up a friend, and if I miss a 3am call, I apologize profusely for missing it. All I'm requesting is a "hey, I'm a little busy I'll try to hit you up later." I don't need a 2 hour convo just acknowledgment, so I don't think you hate me, or that you're dead or whatever else I come up with in my sick head. (I honestly think these things).

What's more annoying is, sometimes I really need that person I'm trying to contact and they just can't be bothered to be there. No matter how upset I am with my life, I still put my friends first. I'm a selfish person sometimes but I just hate how inconsiderate some people are. I even try to say, I'll give them a taste of their own medicine, but I cannot bring myself to ignore my friends.

I'm always there for my friends but they can't always be there for me, so I'm done with that. I'm going to be alone for the most part except one or two people, but in the long run I'm sure it'll save me from so much anxiety and tons of therapy bills. Honestly, you know how anxious being ignored makes me, as a friend you'd think you'd try to help me out a bit, I don't need the headaches, stomach aches, or crying. It's like you telling me you're allergic to pizza and me forcing it down your throat.

Whatever, you can't ignore me if we don't talk. Trust me, you probably won't notice I'm not speaking to you anyway, and I'm sure you won't miss me.

"It's Cold Out There At The Top of the World"

First off, I obviously don't know what fun is, because instead of playing The Sims like I've wanted to almost all weekend, I spent the last two days working incredibly hard, but I'm very very proud of what I accomplished. Like legit, Scene Trash is allll over the fucking internet this week because of my hard work.

Unfortunately for me, the first second I take a break from work, I start to think about all the issues I'm having with life again. (I keep trying to tell myself, I've been through worse). Little things keep popping up that I hope are just a coincidence, and not a sign...

To answer my own question, I'm going to say I'd be happy with a successful business and being alone... As long as I keep working, I don't think about anything else. I have a tunnel vision, as Dori said "just keep swimming." It hurts to stop, it sucks to stop, so if I just keep going I can conquer the world.

If it were the other way around, I know I wouldn't be happy with just a good relationship even though I desperately want one. If Scene Trash were to end I couldn't be happy. Hopefully one day I'll be happy completely alone, but as long as I have something that I feel so passionately about to keep me occupied, I won't ever have to wake up. If it doesn't end I won't discover years from now that I'm alone.

I just can't let it end. Just keep swimming...

"Cause All That I See Right Now, Is Someone Who's Lost and Insecure"

I think about this alot. I'm an open book in so many aspects, but things that I'm ashamed of, or that don't quite go my way I have a hard time telling people. I think I put on this front that my life is "perfect" so I omit things that I don't want people to know.

In all honesty, I just don't want to talk about it. There are boys I've kissed that I'd never tell you about, times I've been rejected, embarrassed or ignored. There's times in my life that no one know about, mostly because I've already deleted it from my mind.

What I don't quite understand is why it's only some things and not others. I've told countless stories about boys that don't call me, but not about having to see a movie alone because I couldn't find my friends... But I guess when things make me look bad I have a problem saying it. Maybe I'm ashamed, remorseful or just regretful. I don't like hiding things but I can't bring myself to admit my faults. I'm so insecure sometimes.

2009 New Year's Resolution

There are a few thing on the agenda for 2009, first and foremost, this year:
I WILL NEVER KNOWINGLY BE THE OTHER WOMEN EVER AGAIN.

I also need to work on some other things...

• I will not contact a guy more than twice in a week.
• I will learn how to say no, and move on.
• I won't go past kissing with any boy I don't see myself becoming emotionally involved with.
• I will try not to assume or get my hopes up about uncertainties.
• I will let boys come to me.
• I will stop making excuses for people.
• I will stop trying so hard. (If they're not willing to keep it together, why should I?)
  

All of those are about boys so, a few more...

• I'll stop being so concerned with boys.
• I will learn to budget my money better, and save enough to move out.
• I will see a therapist this year.
• I will stop neglecting my younger brother.
• I'll give myself at least one day of "rest" a week. No shows, no work, no emailing.
• I'm going to keep my room, phone and computer clean.
• I'll try to learn to do things by myself.
• I'm going to do something on my life list once a month.
  

Things I need to remember...

• Not everyone is as considerate as I am.
• I need to think before I do things.
• If I think it's a bad idea I probably shouldn't do it.
• Stop making bad decisions.
• Stop burning bridges.
• Stop kissing boys I shouldn't.
• Keep my focus on one boy at one place at a time.
• Not everything is as bad as I make it out to be.
• Don't rely on others to solve my problems.
• People always have it worse than I do.
• As long as I'm still breathing things can be fixed.
• Time heals all wounds.
• There's two people in every relationship, (Not three, not one).

2008 recap blog soon. I didn't achieve my 2008 resolution, unfortunetely, so hopefully this year things will be better...