"As The Bluelights Pave Our Smiles"

So this past weekend was hyped up to be as epic as possible. I'll first start off and say I've had better weekends (see Thanksgiving weekend 07), but it wasn't bad at all.

Friday was Fletcher's, I can't really remember what I did all day, but I did get to give Mo a ride. I always love getting to give her a ride, because I feel like I have to make up for all the rides she's given more over the past 2 year. I have a slight issue parking, aka it took me 5 minutes to parallel park literally. I did get a round of applause once I was done though from some random band that may have been TV/TV aha. Get inside see this kid I like, kiss his hand. He sang to me, big hugs, held my hand (laced not cupped!!), head on his shoulder. I'm in love obviously. Just Surrender was great and I danced around with Mo, Alexa, Fiona & Erica. It was a good show, I like seeing friends. Get downstairs and found out that evidently I could have gotten into Revel anytime I wanted, EXCEPT that night haha. But my boy had left, and I couldn't get in anyway, so after saying hi and bye to a few people, I left and went home to bed.

"Why do you look so stressed"
"My whole band is drunk"
"Awww, I'm sorry"
"Well we're leaving."
"Aww I'll walk you to the van"
*Hold hands to the van*
"We'll be back in December"
*Huge hug*
"I'll go just to see you."
"Aww you're sweet."
"Wait, come here"
*Kiss him on the cheek*
"Thank you for that :)"

I really like this kid, he makes me feel 12 again.

Saturday I don't remember what I did yet again, but that night was Mo's birthday party, which was a good time. I wore my costume but I do need a stinger aha. Danced alot, and I got to talk to Zack alot and I gave Mo her gift which I was really excited to give her. I saw Steph for the first time in about a month and finally met her boyfriend of 3+ months. Was up til the wee hours hanging with everyone and cleaning, then woke up at 9am or so and headed out.

Sunday I slept most of the day. I wanted to go to Philadelphia but didn't want to drive. Alexa & Monique went, I was sad they didn't invite me. I didn't get to go to the farm either, nor did I make cupcakes with Alexa, so it was pretty much a useless day.

Monday I stayed home and didn't do a damn thing. Went to Ottobar, it was dark and rainy and I drove by myself, had to call Monique over and over because I was so lost. Cried in the car while some boys tried to hit on me. Made it there after scratching up my bumper, almost given up, and skidding through two stop signs I was quite certain I was going to die at one point.

When I arrived my boys with their Southern accents were all outside to meet me, huge hugs and the usual flirting, went inside to see Britney & Taylor, then saw Alexa & Mo. Danced around to Mercy Mercedes and made a bunch of new friends. It was pretty chill. Didn't see my favorite much, but I did after the show. Got lost going home, but ended up on York Road so I took it all the way home, I've never seen that part of Baltimore in my life. Decided against going to Jeff's house, turns out I dropped the ball on that one. Oops. Kid was irrelevant anyway and probably tainted, anyway. Although he's all kinds of gorgeous.

Overall it was a good weekend, no ten days but still nice. I really do like my Italian boy quite alot. I wish I didn't have to wait so long to see him, but it could be worse. Ilove seeing the kids in Mercy. I hope Mo had a good birthday party weekend, far less drama and ridicuousness than last year though. I didn't get to hang out with Monique that much all weekend, but I did get to see her everyday so that was nice. Birthday dinner was yesterday, I spent alot of money and about 4 hours on the bus there and back, but Mo wrote me this cute thank you note and it made me happy.

"The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot"

There are entire years of my life that I don't remember because I subconsciously blocked them out. I think it's all apart of a facade. There's so much that I omit or I'd rather not say. I don't lie, but I can be manipulative. I let people see what I want them to see. Maybe that's why I love advertising so much.

There are not too many people I can tell everything to. Many of the people I was once able to, I no longer can--for fear of being judged or criticized, or because I think it's a waste of their time. There's a good chance I've made these fears up, it all up in my head but my head is probably a very scary place that I'm not all about searching through all by myself.

I'm sure I could make a collage from only blog excerpts for why I need therapy. That same collage will be in my memoirs some day.

"Nails for Breakfast, Tacks for Snacks"

This morning I was eating breakfast and the table in front of me had a cute boy that I just couldn't stop looking at. I decided to ask him if I could sit with him for breakfast. His name was Peter, he's a mechanical engineering major, and a junior.

I don't do spontaneous things like this very often anymore, but it felt good to. Maybe I'm almost back to my old self again, or maybe I really just don't care what happens anymore. Maybe I'll see that kid again sometime, I know I did make make him late to class because we were talking for a bit too long.

"And It Always Seems Those Little Thing They Take The Biggest Part Of Me"

Just in case something terrible happens to ruin my good mood, I want to write this blog now. I've wasted away the last two hours but I got to talk to my best friend for a bit, and two wonderful things happened.

I fixed our TV, and I got an email that could quite possibly change my life someday soon. The littlest things can make me so happy, I literally danced around my room.

I talked to Zack too, he's one of the most important people in my life definitely, like I always say he keeps me sane, I haven't had a boy BFF in a while, hah, and I really need him :)

That's all. Hopefully things don't suck, but this weekend is going to be epic. I want some cake...

"She Said You Don't Care, I Know I Don't Care"

This weekend was silly, Friday I went to my first club, but only because I was working at it. It was kind of random, Bourbon Street. I could literally see Sonar from outside the club. I saw a kid from high school. I meant to ask him how he got in.

Home and I stopped by CVS and hated myself immediately following this. That stupid song was playing "If you just realize what I just realize then we'd be perfect for each other..." Fuck you, Top 40. I don't know who was more surprised... whatever.

Woke up early Saturday for more work and more McDonald's. Home & Garden fest. I've grown more and more annoyed with the Timonium Fairgrounds. After that, I went to the mall with Stacy and went shopping, bought some cute clothes, but unfortunately I am now broke :( so I can't afford a Halloween costume so I'm just gonna have to look HOT since i can't look trashy.

But I might find some money somewhere or another, we'll see. After my shopping with Stacy (who I adore), went home and slept for 2 hours or so thn up and dressed. Another McDonald's run and met up with Zack, wasn't trying to walk in alone so I made him wait for me. I looked cute according to people at the party. Party wasn't bad at first then wayyy too many people in a little apartment. Met a cute kid, I like new friends, of course he's in a band. Crazy wrestling. Then shit died down, and calmed down.

I had to stay up til 4 for work, which I thought I was going to have crazy time to kill; however, Zack got drunk off rum and NEEDED to play the ukelele and acoustic guitar for an hour and a half, thus fucking up my schedule for the night, which usually involves me crying, I just got really annoyed instead.

We went to iHop and I finally got crepes!! They were magnificient, as was the entirety of the meal. I like iHop more than Denny's I believe. I love Zack & Christine time, whenever we get to talk. I got really upset that I couldn't stop by and see Louis, like I had planned. Got to work an hour late, had to drive up to Hunt Valley and it was freezing out. Wasn't all about the cold weather because I was inappropriately dressed.

Things got a bit better once I took a nap and the sun came up. My job was to hype the runners basically. It was exhausting. Finally drove home and slept til about 5PM. Got up and tried to be productive, got really really upset and couldn't really do much, which cause my mommy to get mad at me. I finally did my laundry, took a shower for the weekend, and cleaned my room. Then I went to see Lou at worked, and I wasn't myself according to him. I sounded depressing as hell, evidently. I couldn't help it... Ugh.

Went home and went to sleep, so I didn't finish my laundry :-\. I dunno, got to school and tried to cheer up. I'm so much happier at school, weirdly enough. At school, I know the excuse I'm not going out is because I'm at school. All weekend I was really sad, but it's nothing new I guess. I don't really want to talk about it though. I've gotten to the point where whatever happens it doesn't matter anymore. I'm almost too numb to care at this point.

October 20 Movie List

October 20
Thank You For Not Smoking
Gone Baby Gone
When I Knew (HBO Documentary)
American Graffiti
Good Night, Good Luck
Lost In Translation
Poor Media, Rich Democracy (Documentary)

"Welcome To Someday"

You'll probably have to turn the volume all the way up to hear, but watch this from the beginning to 1:30, it made me cry.

"And Oh My God, I've Lost Control"

I haven't had a chance to just talk for a while. I just need to talk...

It's October, that means it's Autumn, as Mr. Justin P. says, "I'm just waiting for my world to fall apart." As you may or may not know, Autumn is not really my favorite season.

I think I made one of the biggest decisions of my entire life recently, and everyday I want to change my mind because I have never in my life felt this much pain, over anything. It physically hurts to be so depressed, and I have to constantly keep my mind occupied to not cry. I don't think there's been a day I haven't cried in a week. I don't really know how much longer I can live with it.

I went back and checked out this site I used when I was 15. Futureme.org, I'm not in the mood to explain so just go check it out. I wrote a letter to Lou. The site reminded me of Adam, though. Somewhere deep down I miss that boy so much, but if I can walk away from him then I can do anything, because you never forget your first love, but I think you never forget any love. I know the diamond commercial keep reminding me that love & diamonds are forever.

Magazine's going well though, I love my girls more than anything, and there's alot that I want to implement at the end of the year. I'm probably going to be on the verge of suicide towards the end but maybe I'll be okay. As long as this weather stays warm, I'll be okay, I hope so...

Little things are getting to me, all the same issues I've always had. I need to see a doctor, I probably need medication for my anxiety, and my bipolar disorder. I just need someone to talk to that I can't push away. I don't want to bug any of my friends, but Zack seems to always be there, (except when he's not), for some reason right now he seems like the only one I can't push away.

I'm really looking forward to Monique's birthday, mostly because I get to spend that weekend with her. I always feel like I have to share her with a million people even when I just want to give her a ride somewhere but a lot of people need her, so I should stop being selfish. She really should take care of herself more, though. I know she has alot on her plate, so I try to leave her alone when I can. Sometimes I even feel like I'm bugging her when I offer her a free ticket somewhere or a ride. I know that sounds so irrational but we all know I'm crazy so I can't control what goes on in my head well.

I'm working on not asking for things anymore. I constantly feel like I'm in the way. I don't like that. I'm still not 21, I still don't have a car, and I'm still stuck at school. Some days I'd just kill for a chicken nugget while on campus. Just the thought of how I'm getting to a show stresses me out far more than it should, and I'm so tired of asking Monique for a ride. Everyday I think for a second or two, I'm just not going out anymore until I know I can get there myself. But I'll be even more lonely than I already am, and that's something I can't deal with in the autumn.

One thing that I'm pretty happy about is school, I'm doing really well in school this semester. I don't know if my classes are easier, if I'm working harder or if my mind is clearer, or because I only have class 3 days a week, but it's working really well for me this semester, which makes me worry that schedule next semester won't be as good. I wish I wasn't constantly so worried about everything no matter how soon or how far away it is.

As always, I'm still very single. My mom asked me if I was gay the other day, sadly, I think she was only half kidding. I feel like I'm going to disappoint my mother, because I doubt any boy will ever love me enough to marry me. I can't get a guy to like me enough to ask me out, but maybe that'll change, there's nothing I can really do about it, so I give up on all that, it makes me incredibly sad though.

I dunno, that's what's been up lately. There's probably more but I should get to bed soon, and that's all I can really think of at the moment, my life is complicated but not really. I amaze myself by being straight edge everyday though, because I'm sure some type of drugs or substances would really help. There's a sort of throbbing pain that I feel constantly about life in general.

I find myself relating to Senses Fail alot lately, maybe I should go to that show...
"I tell him I still feel alone 'Don't worry someday I promise you will feel whole'" I wish someone could make me that promise.

"We're Gonna Die Like This, Ya Know"

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!

Second Level of Hell

---

You have come to a place mute of all light, where the wind bellows as the sea does in a tempest. This is the realm where the lustful spend eternity. Here, sinners are blown around endlessly by the unforgiving winds of unquenchable desire as punishment for their transgressions. The infernal hurricane that never rests hurtles the spirits onward in its rapine, whirling them round, and smiting, it molests them. You have betrayed reason at the behest of your appetite for pleasure, and so here you are doomed to remain. Cleopatra and Helen of Troy are two that share in your fate.

Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante's Inferno Test

---

Loneliness Quotient: 61%

Your Personalized Assessment Report:

Your LQ score is a bit on the higher end, meaning you've got some issues that need to be worked out. We will examine them and then suggest possible remedies. One of your weak points is the situation with your friends, who are one source of your loneliness problem. This is an area that needs attention. Additionally, some family-related issues are partly to blame for your level of loneliness. Solving family issues can often be tricky, but doing so will improve your score. Your romantic life is another source of some dissatisfaction. It is imperative that improvements be made in this area to lower your LQ. Finding a guy to share your life with will help. Luckily, shyness is not a setback for you, which makes resolving the sources of your loneliness easier. It's a shame that your area doesn't have a lot of like-minded people, which is one factor making it difficult to lower your LQ further. Finally, there are some insecurity issues that you should work out. Improving your self-esteem will help you improve your LQ score.

Take the Loneliness Quotient Test at Dating Diversions