"I'll Be Your Distraction"

April 21 - April 27

Apr 21 - I got into the habit of showing everyone all my new cute clothes! :D No SEB meeting, Lunch around 11 because I was starving. Talked to Mo most of the morning, who said the day. A couple of classes. Texted a few kids I like: Zack, Britney, Marc ♥ might have taken a nap, but was DEF up in time for Gossip Girl!! I watched it downstairs with Caitlin and Emily while drinking Shirley Temples :D, then me and Caitlin hung out til about 11 because I showed her my clothes and told her all about Marc and sorta watched The Hills with her, and made fun of her love of ATL as always lol. Back to my room and worked on the magazine for a split before bed. Day Overall: 7 | Quote of the Day: "At this rate, I'll be the slut of the group, but I'm aok with that."

Apr 22 - Woke up early because I had counseling in the morning. It wasn't bad. Counselor told me I need therapy, because I need someone to expel all my "excess" emotions basically, because I'll exhaust my friends, to sum it up. Gave me some stress management pamphlets. Back to my room and i rushed around to eat lunch and still get to class on time. Made it, my Speech class is still dumb. Talk to Emily on the way back from class and told her all about Marc. Marc passed his learners permit test! I was proud of him hehe :D. Took a nap around four, woke up periodically to text. Legit up around 1 or so, might have gotten some dinner. Texted Joshy around 1:30. Miss his face a whole bunch. Talked to Rae for a bit, watched movies for the rest of the night and wrote my new blog, bed around 4? Day Overall: 5 | Quote of the Day: "fuck therapy, just come to my room, I'll put on a fake mustache and a suit and you can talk to me."

Apr 23 - Woke up around, dunno... Shrimp for lunch! Class, class. Sat around enjoying the amazing weather outside on my laptop. Obsessed with The White Tie Affair. (Check out my Myspace profile song). Cute texts from Marc! :D He txted me oto say he was thinking about me :). Started using Twitter finally. Quick cat nap after chilling in the nice weather. Up to go get cash for Mo and then hopped in Scott's car and we went to the show. Said hi to Mo and gave her her new shows I bought. I hope she likes them :D. Introduced Scott to whatever random band boys came up to talk. Made fun of Danny for a while like always. GL +1, thankfully. Wasn't trying to pay cash haha. Hung around just talking, bunches of fun stuff. Dancing around, almost dying from the heat. Love you Travis, showed him my phone bg, unfortunately didn't snap a picture this time, though ahaha. Caitlin was there so I hung out with her and Scott, sweated a bunch. Show let out, said hi to Apathy, certain people trying to talk to me all of a sudden. Made fun of Danny some more, flirted a bit then peaced. Didn't mind not hanging out because Bammy is next week. Me & Scott got slightly lost on the way home, but no big. Texted Marc for a bit then crashed around 1? Day Overall: 7 | Quote of the Day: "Girl I don't have much time but I will wear you out. I'll make you sweat more than you did on that dance floor."

Apr 24 - Woke up and worked on a few articles. Class, class, class. Speech was fucking dumb. Got out of Philosophy early, got an A on my exam!!! :D SO STOKED! Hop on the bus to meet Marc, takes a million years. Ended up not seeing him. Fuck McDonald's and Dundalk. Got back around 12, really upset that I wasted a full day. Went to bed around 12. Day Overall: 5 | Quote of the Day: "I'll make it up to you. I'll buy you flowers, mmk?"

Apr 25 - Got right back up at 3 because my body likes to taunt me lol. Got a shit load of stuff done. Text from Marc saying his phone died, felt so bad. 9AM music meeting which went well, then back to my room to finish the new issue. Quick nap, went to sign for housing, not so much... Such bullshit. Daddy picked me up and I went home, finished the last article on the magazine. Started freaking out some more waiting to figure out what was going on for the night, so I called Meg and hyperventilated to her for quite some time before I just hopped in the car and went. Got severely lost, cried for a while then sucked it up and went to the party. Finally get there and got to the END of Eastern Avenue. Marc's best friend Tony was so excited to see me, haha, and Marc didn't even wait for me to get out of the car, he kissed me through the window. :D We hung out at the party for a while and it was like a high school reunion. Me and Marc held hands all night :) and talked about our love for Spongebob and how we hate driving alone and other silly adorable things. Went on a McDonald's run and it was just nice to spend that time with him. Cutest goodbye ever :D ♥. Home before 1. Day Overall: 7

Apr 26 - Woke up and read the issue of AP on the deck for a while, while listening to Sherwood. Saturday morning is Sherwood music, it's a rule. Raining weather is My American Heart. Later I went for a walk with my mommy, then worked on the magazine. Came downstairs and cleaned up and worked on a few things before I got frustrated with waiting around and drove to Dundalk to pick up Marc. Got there and watched band practice, Marc was getting sick and felt bad or him, he looked soooo cute playing the bass. Marc's best friend, Tony, referred to me as Marc's girlfriend. Tried to steal him away after practice, not so much. Mom wouldn't him out, so he walked me to my car and we made out in my car for a bit saying goodbye (this is why I'm getting sick haha....). Stopped at Walmart on he way home, texted Marc for a while, then sat around in my big empty house til I fell asleep and my dumb parents yelled at me about stupid shit. Woke up in the middle of the night for a bit and finally finished up the magazine. Day Overall: 7

Apr 27 - Woke up and watched my dad clean the bathroom that I got up to clean, eh whatevs. Txted Marc and tried to get him to help me out a little so I wouldn't be such a mess. Done with that helped my mommy cook, ran to the store and bought some things for my mom, got home, got yelled at for a while. Took a shower and washed my hair, took my mommy and Jeffrey to Michael's. Was going to go get Marc but his mom wouldn't let him out because he was sick so we were gonna hang out on Monday. So I went home and registered for my summer courses, then some annoyingness happened with that God forsaken website, MySpace, I had a pretty epic freakout with Britney, cried, called Marc, accidentally woke him up, he told me to text him in the morning. Rents and bro had to go to the doctor because Jeffrey has some sort of eye infection. Then came home and I went to Denny's, the rain was a bit disturbing, hung out with top friends minus Steph & Rae. Back home, frustrated with life, went to bed around 1. Day Overall: 6

Just when I think everything is going to be okay, little things fuck with my head, small circumstances become huge deals. Being with Marc makes everything feel great, completely amazing. When I'm not with him, little things freak me out, because of who I am, I'm much to calculated to handle things well, which I have to work on. Besides Suday, everything with me & Marc was going amazingly well... even Sunday wasn't so bad. Monday is what freaked me out but that's next week's blog. I didn't do much work all week though... which can be partially attributed to Marc. I finally fund my distraction, and I didn't even feel bad for not working for the first time. plus grades in school looking a bit better, and some awesome positive signs. Maybe it's all in my head, or maybe I'm just very naive...

xoxo
christine

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Now playing: My American Heart - Dangerous
via FoxyTunes

"Now We've Got A Big Big Mess On Our Hands"

I should really work on figuring out what makes me happy. Everything I do that puts a smile on my face is contingent on others. That's not every healthy. My speech teacher read a three page paper I wrote and left me comments, evidently I have co-dependency issues, may need anger management, and should work on my need for attention. Awesome.

I finally got around to reading my Stress Management Pamphlets that my counselor gave me. Somethings I need to focus on are:

• Be accepting, kind, easy to forgive yourself. Treat yourself as you would treat your friends.
  
• The point to stretch yourself, not break yourself. Set limits if that is what you need.
• Nurturing oneself is a key factor in being able to keep up strength, resolve, motivation, and inner resources to continue to give others.
• Smile. Remind yourself that you don't actually have all the cares of the world on you shoulders--only a few of the. Then take a long deep breath and let it out.

Tips for Relieving Stress (Taken from the 52 Tips):

• Make duplicates of all keys
• Whatever you want to do tomorrow, do today; whatever you want to do today, do it now.
• Don't put up with something that doesn't work right. They re a constant aggravation.
• Relax your standards.
  
• Unplug your phone. Drum up the courage to temporarily disconnect.
• Turn "needs" into preferences. Don't get attached to preferences.
• Simplify, simplify, simplify...
• Check your breathing throughout the day. If you find your stomach muscles knotted and your breathing shallow, relax all your muscles and take several deep, slow breaths.
• Try following yoga techniques whenever you feel the need to relax.
• Learn to live one day at a time.
• Everyday do something you really enjoy
• Take a hot bath or shower to reduce tension
• Do something for someone else
• Focus on understanding rather than being understood, on loving rather than being loved.
• Schedule a realistic day. Avoid the tendency to schedule back-to-back appointments; allow time between appointments for a breathing spell.
• Become more flexible. Some things are not worth doing perfectly.
• Take care of the todays as best you can and the yesterdays and tomorrows will take care of themselves.
• Do one thing at a time.
• Allow yourself time - everyday - for privacy, quiet, and introspection.
• Learn to delegate responsibility to capable others
• If an unpleasant task faces you, do it early in the day and get it over with.
• Accept that we live in an imperfect world.
• Have an optimistic view of the world. Believe that most people are doing the best they can.

This is all easier said than done, but I'll give it a shot. Because mentally, I'm falling apart.

"We're Making Out Inside Crashed Cars"

April 14 - April 20

Apr 14 - Monday morning I texted Steven because it was his 21st birthday! :) Then he called me and we talked for quite some time. I skipped SEB to study for my Econ exam, evidently the meeting was a waste of time though ahah. Thought I did badly on my Econ exam, but got almost all of my to do list done so that's good. No antro class, so I took a nap. Had a study group for Philosophy Monday night that was silly, like always. Wrote up the categories for this years awards, and picked all the kids. Bed around 1:30 after talking and brainstorming for a while. Day Overall: 5

Apr 15 - Due to worrying about my test I had a bad dream. Psych class, Speech Class. IM from Geoff Blake while I was taking my Philosophy exam that says, "we have a mission"... still no idea what said mission is. Worried about Mo with Zack, and talked about certain girls, and certain jobs. Fire drill at 7 which I used as an opportunity to get dinner. Scene Trash got talked about on the All Time Low boards. Bed early around 10, because I finished my to do list, and it was far too hard to think about myself. Woke up around 1 and sent messages to the newly selected panel, and helped Rae with a paper, then back to bed around 4. Day Overall: 5 | Quote of the Day: "when you know longer wanna hook up with any of your bands, you'll do the best job"

Apr 16 - Went to Econ and get my exam back, low C, which took me into a very depressed spiral. Counted the minutes til I got out of ANTH so I could go sleep. Slept til 7 or so. Woke up and was back in bed around 8, up again at 2. Talked to Rae for a while, and I worried her a lot, then back to be at 4. I was trying my hardest not to be awake because everything just depressed me immensely. My own thoughts were horrifying. Sometime in my 3 or 4 hours of waking hours I made plans with Victor and Marc. Day Overall: 4 |Quote of the Day: "You haven't taught me the ways of hypersexuality yet!"

Apr 17 - Weather is superb. Only one class because the others were canceled. Lunch with Ashley, talked to cute Joe on the way back to the I didn't talk to Mo til late that day. I was very depressed, got more movies, because I didn't have anything to do and didn't want to be left to my own thoughts, and I was supposed to go to Walmart but Ashley fell asleep, so that made me upset. Got dinner and talked to the desk staff some more. Hannah came over and watched Saved! with me since Tanya and Ashley went out for the night, I ordered $20 worth of wings and ate half of them. I also chatted with Zack for quite some time, he was worried about me too, and got to experience some of my anxiety symptoms first hand. I think I depressed him, so I felt bad... :( Day Overall: 4

Apr 18 - Woke up even more devastated with life. Only reason why I woke up I because my body wouldn't let me sleep any longer. I was in a pretty bad state. Eventually, around 1 Ashley woke up, so I went to lunch with her and Tanya and got some popcorn shrimp that was heavenly! After that we decided we wanted to go to The Gallery and I was feeling a bit better by just having plans. So when we separated to get some things done before we left, I got a text message from Marc. So we text for a few hours and we discover that we'd liked each other all last year but both thought the other wouldn't be interested. He called me gorgeous and told me he wanted to see me really soon. We talked all night and made plans for Saturday! Th Harbor was silly, and an adventure to say the least I think me & Tanya had more fun than Ashley haha. I saved Tanya's life when we were crossing the street haha. Mo and Zack both sent me texts that made me happy as well! So it turned into a really good day.When we got home I was sooo tired but had to work on the magazine so I stayed up and talked to Marc :D. I also ordered an amazing cheese steak haha, and watched movies for a while. Day Overall: 7

Apr 19 - I woke up and got ready to go volunteer for T-Pain. Headed over The RAC and volunteered, got a text from Marc saying good morning :). Helped out for a while, while I texted Mo, Zack & Marc. Finished up and got some free food then back to my room. In the process of coming upstairs I get stopped by Jason, who is all "ARE YOU STAYING ON CAMPUS THIS WEEKEND!?" "woah, no... I'm going to see Cartel" "Oh, that's so exciting! I'm excited for you." "Eh. Yea it should be cool." "You have to tell me all about it!" "Well, I haven't seen you in months so maybe I'll tell you." "Oh, I'll totally stop by..."

That's the first time our conversation got past, "hi, how are you?" in months. It's whatevs. Get home and hang around for a while before I go to Recher. Stop at Walmart and pick up some things. Hop in the car and drive to Towson and get grinned & waved to by a random guy. Make it to the show and park at the mall. Go to the ATM, and I try to kill as much time as possible. Marc couldn't go to the show with me anymore, but I wish I would have went to see him and went to the show around 10, instead of 8, because there was still a fucking line when I got there an hour after doors. I get inside and talk to my favorite security guard and got some silly lines for Xs. Ran into Kenny from Fairgreen and we chatted for a while before we separated and I chilled in the back for some time. So while back there I get hit on, not once, not twice, but THREE times, and got told I have fantastic breasts, an amazing body, and should have a go with a white boy... Classy. Cartel went on finally and I peaced half way through because I was dying to see Marc, basically. Got hit on again on the way back to my car. Texted Marc and told him I was getting hit on and he said that hopefully soon, I'd be all his. Made it to dundalk after buying gas, and made out in my backseat with Marc while listening to The Audition. (Even classier hahaha). Back to his house and I met his band/friends. Hung around for about an hour laughing and talking. It was good fun. Marc walked me to my car, holding hands laced, and kissed me goodnight! Got home and texted Marc some more, and texted Mo before bed around 1:30. Day Overall: 9 | Quote of the Day: "Tell them you've got a white boy in Dundalk waiting for you."

Apr 20 - Woke up and pretended to clean my room while finishing up the magazine. Crazy thunderstorms, left to go shopping with my mommy. Gabes & Ross, dropped some serious bank between the to of us. Half a G, thanks mommy. New clothes are beyond hot! Stop at Michael's (lil bro's best friend) house and played some Rock Band and broke my mommy's phone by accident. Got home then rushed out of the house to get to Marc's show, which I of course missed hah, but when I got there, John from school harassed me and Marc got him for me lol, this is after Marc left his big group of little stupid blonde scene girls and his band to come talk to me. When he had to leave HE KISSED ME in front of everyone! I didn't think he would, so that made me estastic. Drove back to Essex, picked up Steph, drove to Dundalk to hang with Marc, not so much, but me & Steph had fun talking anyway and we exchanged gifts while Marc sent me some... awesome texts ;-) Back home at 1AM again, up for a bit, then bed :) Day Overall: 8

What a week! I have to hardcore study for all my classes and pull out all As on my finals, so I'm studying on the way to and from Bammy and all that week back. Someone please help motivate me? I got to a new low before a bunch of little things and an amazing boy picked me back up. I'm totally in like with Marc, he's absolutely amazing. I honestly believe that when you're into someone and they're into you, you have a confidence that makes people want you. I don't have any other explanation for getting hit on so many times this weekend. I'm not sure if things will stay this easy but I pray to God it will. Marc promised me it will. All of a sudden, it feels like the sun shines for me and I have a new sense of optimism. I just need to know I'm liked once in a while because no doubt, I wear my hart on my sleeve (and I'm happy I found a boy who does too). He listens to happy pop punk, totally optimistic, super cute, an amazing kisser, doesn't drink, and of course he's the lead singer of his band, and most of all... HE LIKES ME. Life's good. I hope I stay this happy.

xoxo
christine

p.s. - I'm hooking up to this song, very soon. Remind me to make that mix CD...

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Now playing: The White Tie Affair - The Letdown
via FoxyTunes

What Would You Think of Me Now, So Lucky, So Strong, So Proud?

It's Amazing How A Few Texts Can Change My Outlook On Things:
Marc: "Don't laugh but I used to have a huge crush on you."
Monique: "Awww tsl played surprise surprise and I thought of you."
Zack: "How are you feeling today?"
Rae: "Are you okay? I just saw that you called now..."

It's good to know you're thought of and liked. :) I'm feeling a lot better. Everything seems to be look brighter all of a sudden. (And not just because of the boy :-P). I'll explain later.

"I Was Better Off, All Alone, In My Own World"

I wake up every morning, and it feels like everything is taunting me. Everything works and functions. The sun still rises and sets, and I still feel defective. Everything works in spite of me. How can everything be so right, when you feel so wrong?

I hate waking up to no text messages, and ending the week with no calls. I'm so sick of asking for rides, and being a burden, and asking people to hang out, and getting turned down, and getting rejected, and getting forgotten and feeling alone, and being alone. I hate feeling like it's going no where, because it's taking more time than I'd like.

I hate that my only reason to get up in the morning is that my body won't let me sleep any longer, and that every 11:11 wish has been a wish not to cry today. I hate that those wishes never come true.

I hate being left to my own thoughts, because they frighten me, and worry others. I hate that sadness consumes them.

I hate that every song I hear and every smile I see remind me of how sad I am. I hate that characters in movies have become my only company.

I hate that conciousness hurts, but sleep only brings bad dreams.

"You Bring Out The Worst In Me, Anxiety, Anxiety"

So Thursday Night I went to my school's library and acquire 9 books about Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder and Dream Analysis. Page after page I found myself reading my own blog entries from a medical standpoint. Eight hours later, I discovered several things about myself.

DISORDERS

Generalized Anxiety
Bipolar Disorder Type II
Inferiority Complex
Separation Anxiety
possibly:
Histrionic Personality Disorder
Narcissistic Personality Disorder

WHAT THIS MEANS

Generalized anxiety is a disorder when a patient does not worry about any one topic or fear, but instead is always characteristically worried. Free-floating anxiety that switches back and forth between several topics. Feelings include loneliness, dependency, anger, sadness, fear and needing to be in control of a situation.
Bipolar Disorder Type II (Hypomania) is a bipolar spectrum disorder that is characterized by hypomanic episode and major depressive episode. A less extreme form of bipolar disorder type I where the elevated moods do not debilitate normal social activity.
Separation Anxiety Disorder stems from a basic fear of being alone or being left by those close to us. Not necessarily dependency.
Inferiority Complex is a fear of inadequacy including feelings of rejection, powerlessness, immaturity and insufficiency. Experience of being unable to reach an unconscious, fictional final goal of subjective security and success to compensate for the inferior feelings

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy. Associated with a sense of entitlement, requirement of excessive attention, arrogance, sense of self-importance.
Histrionic Personality Disorder is a pattern of excessive emotionality and attention-seeking, including an excessive need for approval and inappropriate seductiveness. Usually able to function at a high level and can be successful socially.

SYMPTOMS

Generalized Anxiety
- ruminination - recurring burdensome thoughts
- sense of guilt
- somatization - the brain converting emotional sensation into physical experiences
i.e. - clenched teeth
bad dreams
nausea/stomach aches
trembling/shakes
aches/pain
chronic illness/weakened immune system
low appetite

Bipolar Disorder
- ineffective multi-tasking
-increased energy & productivity
- an infectious quality
- short sleep patterns
-hypersexuality

Narcissistic Personality Disorder
- frequent apologizing due to hidden shame
- overcompensation
- requiring excessive admiration

Histrionic Personality Disorder
- excessive sensitivity to criticism
- mood swings
-vanity
- impatience
-hypersexuality

CONNECTIONS

Generalized anxiety and bipolar disorder are the primary issues that encompass the other disorders. Anxiety and Bipolar disorder are often associated with one another, and when combined the anxiety takes on a cyclical pattern like the bipolar disorder. In times of hypomania, narcissistic and histrionic characteristics occur causing high energy & productivity, reduced need for sleep, tendency for reckless behavior.

In times of depression, which occurs about four times a year, the anxiety, and complex come into play, causing reduced appetite, sense of guilt and physical symptoms. The separation anxiety emphasizes the fear of rejection with the inferiority complex, and intense, and at times, irrational fears.

Often times, narcissism is known as superiority complex, which would conflict with the inferiority complex, however both have overcompensation, and a fear of failure, or not living up to your own or others perceived expectations. Both have an intense need for admiration because of jealousy, on either end of the spectrum. Basically you appear to feel better about yourself through narcissism and histrionics, however it stems from the initial inferiority and anxiety, heightened by hypomania and depression in cyclical stages.

CAUSES

I don't want to get into it but to summarize... basically, I was a difficult baby, got a lot of attention, then my mommy started working, I started babysitting my little bro, and I started to feel a lot of pressure to do really well in school. Unexplained stomach aches from the age of 9, then in middle school, I wasn't as cute as my friends, said friends eventually dropped me, causing stomach aches and headaches. By the time high school rolled around, basically I was completely fucked up.

SOLUTION

Although when I am in a hypomanic state as lng as it's at lw levels I am the epitomy of me... hyper, fun, charming, contagious, crazy, etc. etc. When I go over a certain level it turns into promiscuity, reckless behavior, annoying, repetitive and/or flamboyant actions. Then there's the depressive anxious side. Which has it's own obvious powers. When I go up to those extreme peaks the crash is even more extreme. One issue is, I don't want to be stabilized, I have three days, I have ten days. I don't want to all of a sudden have all seven days. I'd rather just move that range from six to ten.

What I decided is that, I need to monitor myself. First I need to make a list of all the things that worry me and figure out why they do, and what is the worst that can happen if they occur. I can't try to tell myself they won't happen because many have already happened, I just need to tell myself that I'd be okay if it happened. I need to keep track of my mood and my eating & sleeping habits, to make sure they're uniform, and generally normal. I also need my friends to help me watch my behavior for times when I'm hypomanic, to the point where it's no longer acceptable, such as talking over others, or an increased need for attention, or when I'm overly anxious or worried. This is when I will prompt myself, or they will prompt me to take a time out. Literally stepping away and collecting my thoughts, so I can calm the fuck down.

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Now playing: every avenue - chasing the night
via FoxyTunes

But It's So Hard To Do, When You're Out In The Mid-West

April 7 - April 13

Apr 7 - Tired. Only a few hours of sleep because I stayed up with Rae all night. Someone's fucking car alarm woke me up plus I had to go meet up with Tim from class to work on something. He was late so I left then I got a phone call from him. We rescheduled. No SEB so I went to lunch with Ashley. Econ class and my laptop started freaking out. Thought it was gonna blow up. Decided not to acknowledge certain people... My tummy hurts. Physically my body was telling me something is wrong, although I as suppressing it mentally. Which isn't good... Tried to take a nap, started clenching my teeth again, couldn't sleep, car alarm went off again, so I went to grab dinner first. Eventually took a nap. No idea what else I did, but I know I didn't wake up until late, and I worked on some Scene Trash things. Day Overall: 6 | Quote of the Day: "Also I think her strand of herpes is airborne"

Apr 8 - Bullshitted a project, a couple of classes, phone interview with OurStage, dinner. Worked on my assignment for my new job for the rest of the night. Ashley and Tanya were fighting which fucks with my head, because I was already anxious. Fell asleep around 1 and missed Alexa's IMs. Day Overall: 6

Apr 9 - Woke up and worked on my Econ Homework. Happy that we're making a decent amount of money on subscriptions and advertising :D!! Helped Mo count her ATL song liking ratio, lunch. Called my boss & FTSK manager. Class, class. DC FOR AP TOUR! Guest list and photo, say Hi to Monica. Say hi to Caleb, who's looking great, of course. Sort of cut in line. FTSK is awesome. The fact that Sonny wandered around the venue was silly and awesome. Gave Rhi my photo pass. Said hi to DY. Said hi to Alex, tells me he needs sock. Interview with FTSK was silly. I believe I ran into D after The Matches, and it was SO great to see him! The Rocket Summer had CONFETTI! Danced around with Jonathon & Mo. Ran into D again with the gf (amanda). She's really nice and they hung out during almost all of ATL. After the set, Amanda was telling us how D always talks about us, and really likes us. Get pushed all around 930 Club til were sent outside haha. Hung around ATLs bus waiting for D, but I got to talk to the boys and asked Jack what he wanted, so he gave me him number again. Chatted with Matthew Flyzik about fake hair haha. Never found D, but it was time to go. Grabbed some food when I got back to school and text messaged Jon & Victor for a while before I ate and crashed eventually. Day Overall: 8

Apr 10 - Woke up and studied for Psych without the actual book. I was feeling good for the last two days, which was nice. Steph called but I couldn't talk. Psych exam went decent. Speech was exceptionally dumb. Philosophy wasn't bad. I got a really nice text message from Brandon :). Might have taken a nap. Got wings for dinner, and went to the library and got 9 books about anxiety, dream analysis, and bipolar disorder. Jessica, Tanya and Ashley were all in here watching movies with me. Tanya was here til 3, Jessica left & Ashley fell asleep. I was up til 5 and got a lot of information down about what was wrong with me, it involved a lot of crying and realizing that i really wasn't going crazy. See this entry. Day Overall: 6

Apr 11 - Woke up and talked to Mo and told her my discoveries. Cleaned up the room with Ashley since it was on my to do list. Texted Zack for a while. Grabbed some lunch then got ready to go to my interview. Left around 2:30. Talked to Zack the entirety of the day about Will and PSAs hahahahaha. Light rail's are snazzy. I haven't been on one since I was very young. Made a list of my fears. Got off the light rail and walked the mile up the road trying very very hard to not get hit by a car since there was almost no shoulder at all. Interview went really well, I'm pretty sure I got the job, it'll be a great addition, and great for the summer. Caught the bus back to the light rail, thankfully. Back to school around 7? Grab some food from the Commons. Party invite. Mo picks me up around 9. Get home and say hi to my rents and bro. Didn't feel like asking permission to go out so I didn't go to the party and I just went to bed. Day Overall: 6 | Quote of the Day: "She looks like a Joe I'd wanna fuck."

Apr 12 - Woke up in the middle of the night, then woke up again. Had a good dream!! Grabbed the car, it was APPPPPP DAYY PART TWO!! Went to Towson Mall to find a gift for D, with no luck. Texted Zack all afternoon. Went to White Marsh and after 2 hours of shopping I found a shirt for him. Grab some Chik-Fil-A, which was SO good. Then went to Wal Mart for more gifts:

Delicious: "This is How I Roll" Shirt
Alex: Ankle Socks
All Time Low: Cosmic Brownies
Forever The Sickest Kids: Lego Fruit Snacks
Bryce: Sponge Bob Gummies
(I swear I spoil these kids haha)

Rae picked me up around 3, went to Mo's house and met up with her and Ebony. Drove to Lancaster, the hills made my tummy hurt. Sonic was YUMMY! Get to the show, Rae made me think I was crazy, had to sneak in all those gifts. FTSK was already on and we danced around! Gave D his shirt which he put on :) Ran into Bryce and gave him his gummies. During the Matches I sat in the back and talked to D and Amanda. Said hi to Bryce's adorable wife. Gave Matthew the brownies for ATL. D read up on one of the recent ST issues, that I was giving to ATL. Right before TRS, Caleb came upstairs and I gave him the Lego snacks which he was as excited about as I thought he'd be haha. Had to hold his cigarette, lmao. Gave him a back massage, and me and Mo danced with him while he gave me a massage. Ran into Austin then gave him the snacks cuz Caleb was busy haha. I was excited to see him :D. Everyone came to the back for TRS and ATL. Got excited by the confetti during TRS. Bryce's wife said I'm cute haha. I danced all around by myself to ATL. Show's over and we head outside, pass out stickers, got told by various parents that we're good dancers. Finally gave Mr. Gaskarth his socks. Gave Matt a massage, we had some great discussing. Rae and Ebony got hit on while I talked to Matt. Hung around for a long time just talking to everyone. Mostly the boys NOT in bands lol. Matt says he wants to dance with us and be sandwiched between me & Mo next time hahaha. Which is cute lol, he also said the quote of the day. Finally said our goodbyes after like 3 goodbyes :D. Back home, fell asleep in the car. Dead asleep around 2:30AM Day Overall: 9 | Quote of the Day: "I wish I was black so I can have a weave and a big penis..."

Apr 13 - Woke up, cleaned the house. Office Depot to make copies of The Hint's issue and get Jeffrey and my little cousin some McDonalds. Back home and I went out again to get batteries and medicine for my father. Not much of an appetite all day for some reason :(. Milk shake was amazing though. Got upset with Zack cuz he kept leaving!! Made two super cute flyers. Helped my mommy burn a DVD. Got a SUWEEEEET Compensation from my mall job!! Made me very happy. Aunt came to pick up my little cousin, and took me back to school. Went to late night with Ashley then went to bed before midnight. Day Overall: 6

Thursday was definetely a turning point in things. It made everything feel a bit better knowing what was wrong, especially when I found out I can get counseling at school. I'm trying so hard to feel better, and trying to get things done, and trying to tell myself that things will be okay. It's scary to know you can't control your emotions. I attribute happiness to so many other things that are external. It's definitely something to work on. Once I finish this to do list, I can finally get to that one. I know it should be addressed earlier but that's not how I roll... AP Tour was great! It's just good seeing Delicious really. I need myself a ten day. So far it looks like the equation for a ten day is boys from the mid-West for some reason haaha. I haven't had a ten day without them lmao. Looking through my blogs it baffles me to see how long I've been sad. It can't possibly be healthy... Some hopefully this can be resolved within the next week days. I'm trying to pull myself out of the hole, thankfully I can finally see the top.

xoxo
christine

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Now playing: The Almost - Everyone Here Smells Like A Rat
via FoxyTunes

"So With The Combination of My Gift of One Liners"

Due to Panic dropping their ! and dropping their pop, I am no longer Panic, I am now Cute Is What We Aim For, because there is a similar sound, they are on FBR which is basically a requirement, and as long as their next CD sounds like their first one, we should be good... So I had to repost this with said updated information, because you all care so much hah.

• Monique is Gym Class Heroes
• Christine is Panic! At The Disco Cute Is What We Aim For
• Alexa is Rooney
• Mandy is Monty Are I

• Monique + Christine = SLAP! (shush, you don't know)
• Mandy + Christine = My Chemical Romance
• Alexa + Christine = Plain White T's
• Monique + Mandy = Linkin Park
• Monique + Alexa = Lost Prophets or Story Of The Year
• Alexa + Mandy = Halifax
• Monique + Alexa + Christine + Mandy = Just Surrender
• Monique + Alexa + Christine = The Audition

There's probably more, because me & Mo discussed this detail for 2 hours. I guess that says something about us lol. It was a good time coming up with all the combinations. Each combination represents who we are lol. I'm sugary, with no cred, and cynical, but dancy! Mo has edge, and cred, a bit of hip hop a bit of indie and a bit of pop, plus you can dance. I could keep going but just ask us in person lol. Mandy was the hardest for some reason lol.

"We've Got These Big City Dreams"

March 31 - April 6

Mar 31 - I got an A on my ANTHRO mid-term and I danced around my room from excitement. Picked my classes for next semester, decided to get my MBA Preparatory Certificate. Set up a meeting with my adviser. Went to SEB, then went lunch with Caitlin, ate some wings and got all messy haha. Classssss. Went back to my room and sent out subscriptions, for quite some time. Dinner eventually, sleep eventually? I don't know... Day Overall: 6

April 1 - Started analyzing my goals and dreams. Spent the day researching and emailing. I'm working on that label thing. Give me 4 to 7 years... 3 classes. Speech pissed me off. Dinner time, talk to Jeff Henley for 20 minute. I like that kid. Amazing weather, didn't cheer me up. Nap time. Woke up, Ashley bought a fish. Talked to Rae. Put up our about page. Talked to Mo, and got sad. Got told I was appreciated, made me feel good :). Me & Dom had some BFF bonding time. :D. Decided on bed time around midnight. Day Overall: 4

April 2 - Woke up, started my Anthro project, procrastinated a whole bunch. Woke up early to eat breakfast, it was beautiful out. Econ time, finished up my presentation. Anthro we just read all class and I didn't get a chance to do my presentation. Back to my room. Finished my to do list, but had to make a supplement. Looked through panel applicants since we got WAYY more than we thought we would. Talked to Mo, an Natalie. Grabbed some food. Meeting with Brett online at 11:30. I love that boy. Realized I had a good day. Hung out with Dom for a while in his room with some of his friends, he was quite drunk. Messaged Mike from Ev Ave back and forth for a while and even straightened up and took a shower! Got a text in the middle of the night from a certain boy... Sadly I was asleep :( really wanted to see him. Day Overall: 7

April 3 - Woke up really early to proofread Ashley's paper because I'm a good roommate. Went back to bed, woke up and talked to Zack, my first & second class were canceled, sweeeeeet! Talked to Natalie for the entirety of the afternoon hours. Got shit done, ate lunch. Went to Philosophy class then came back to my room and slept for about 3 hours until SEB open mic. Hung out with Matt & Adam for a bit and ate a lot of wings. Back to my room around 9. Me & Ashley picked out movies at the library and watched a bunch. Hung out with Dom in his room as he got smashed again. Then I talked about my love life with Ashley, Tanya, and their friend Jessica til 4AM, while chatting with Rae & Zack. Stopped in Dom's room and tucked him in because he was very intoxicated. Then bed time. Day Overall: 6

April 4 - This day... Woke up and went to my adviser meeting. I love my adviser so much. Left there then back to my room. Talked to Geoff then hopped on the bus to go home. 70 minute ride, then 30 minutes to walk to my house. Get there and wait for Geoffrey :D He comes and I give him magazines and he gives me a ride back to the bus stop and I told him all about all my big ideas I'd been having lately. Back on the bus for another 70 minutes and fell asleep on the ride. Back to school. Quick nap then I went to my SEB interview, that went really well, I think. Back to my room to nap some more. Find out some devastating information then hysterically cried, almost threw up, couldn't see straight. Called Mo and cried to her for a while. Ashley had to come in and ask me whats wrong, ended up calling Mo to find out. Had to suck it up and get happy, then got picked up by Pause Play Repeat. Denny's trip. I had a lot of fun hanging with them, and as always Victor is soo cute. Oh and Brad's 11:11 tattoo is pretty awesome :D. I really like those boys. Got back to my room around 1:30, and did some texting with Mo & Victor before I fell asleep. Day Overall: 5

April 5 - Woke up early to go to my job interview. Hopped on the bus, told the taxi to meet me in the wrong place by accident. had to walk for 25 minutes. So tired, so late, so annoyed. taxi didn't take credit. Fuck that guy. Whatever. Interview went great. Got the job. Another taxi back, another bus ride home. Talked to my mommy. Texted Dain ♥. Back to my room, listened to Punk Goes Crunk!!!!!! took a nap. Waited for my father to pick me up. Said bye to Dominic then got home around 8 when my daddy picked me up. Hung around the house for a while, then dinner with Zack :D. Mo stopped by to say hi and it made me really sad that she didn't stay since bowling plans fell through and I hadn't got to hang out with her for a while. I recapped on my life from 2003 to 2007 for Zack, which he found intriguing to say the least. Stayed for 2 hours, had to go home to make curfew lol. Couldn't find my credit card, which was an issue. Got home, and found it and texted Zack for a bit. Eventually crashed. Day Overall: 6

April 6 - Had to wake up super early to get my hair done, finished getting it straightened around noon. Then went to Michael's house to get the hair put in. Took forever haha, and we got out of there around 8:30. Started my laundry and got some shit done online, talked to Mo and told her that I was sad when she left. Around midnight went to bed, to be abruptly awoken by a text message for which I had to check out a silly blog ended up talking to Alexa & Rae for a while, then I stayed up talking to Rae til 6 in the morning to help her with her paper and tell her whats up with me. Day Overall: 5

This was a crazy week for me, emotionally. I was happiest on Wednesday, maybe from the weather, maybe from something more. I wish my best days in a week were higher than sevens. It was very busy and a lot of little things happened that'll add up to some very big ones, eventually. I've been having bad dreams, that are probably trying to tell me something, and I've been working hard to try to figure them out. As Fall Out Boy would say "I'm looking forward to the future" but also "The future freaks me out," and my body is much more stressed than my head is leading on. I've been waking up early around 8 and it's great to get a good start on the day and accomplish a lot before class. I should be getting better. I keep having this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, like that feeling you get when you're nervous or scare, but I get it all the time, with the most mudane things. Like I'm waiting for something terrible to happen. So it's like I keep peeking around corners waiting for the monster to pop out. It's a very unnerving feeling. It's like being on edge all the time. I'm also still working on this lonely feeling. I think I need to get use to it. It scares me, but I use to dream about being with others, and now every dream I'm by myself. Not just alone, but usually isolated. This probably means something, everything is so much scarier when you're by yourself. I think it's for the better though. In terms of my weekend... It was hectic, and crazy, and I haven't cried so hard in so long. It reminded me how awesome some of our bands are, though, and I that I want to get to hang out with them more. Especially a certain boy... Sunday night is not even worth my breath, and I only see things getting better for us. Things are really going well for Scene Trash, and as most of you know Scene Trash = life.

xoxo
christine

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Now playing: Dashboard Confessional - Hey Girl
via FoxyTunes

This Morning

I woke up to this:

It's been a good day.

CAST OF CHARACTERS PART 6

CAST OF CHARACTERS PART 6
(I update descriptions every 2 months, sorry!)

Monique (she has a blog too!), age 23, sometimes referred to as Mo, or my big sis. Her Likes include awkward indie boys, designing, dancing, glitter and literary devices. Her dislikes include needles, questions, red dye #40, and germs. She looks out for me more than you could ever imagine, and I have no idea where I'd be without her. She's known for her cell phone, and parking lot dance parties, road trips and giving the best gifts. (She'll also notice that that sentence rhymed before you did), and we compliment each other, but she's cooler than me. What do you expect though, lil sis can't be cooler than big sis!

Stephani, age 19--often referred to as Steph or Asian girl! Her likes include her little red Saturn, local band boys, Hello Kitty, and leopard print. Her dislikes include box lockers, people that hit her car, girlfriends, Long Horn Steak House. She gets me into far more trouble than she ever gets me out of, and together we're infamous for being at sketchy parties in random cities, getting completely and utterly lost, kissing boys we shouldn't, and being thrown into the most awkward situations.

Alexa, age 22--ALEXA MOTHER FUCKING SUNSHINE! Her likes include obscure Doghouse bands, boys from other cities, cupcakes, and super dooper happy things. Her dislikes include headband & co., Baltimore local music, people that get in the way, and stupid people on AP.net. Alexa is my hero, and she could probably kick your ass with her lanky ass limbs if you really piss her off. Infamous for swashing shit, lurking hardcore, being legit as hell, and her one and only dance move that I will never be able to do as good as as she can.

Mandy, age 21, also known as Mandy Sin. Her likes include red, Tim Burton movies, pin-up girls, her laptop, her camera. Her dislikes include stupid people, people who rip off her style, girls that get in the way, and headband & co. Infamous for that hair, her camera, and hand massages. She's the girl with the fire truck red hair, who your favorite bands like more than you.

Caitlin, age 19--Her likes include boys that shop at Urban Outfitters, boys in bands, boys in general, All Time Low, saying legit, and really dumb YouTube videos. Her dislikes include athletes, being on duty, short boys and taking things slow. Me & Caitlin have weekly lunch dates where we talk about boys, our weekend, boys, music, and boys. Me and her are both terrible listeners and we talk over one another, but it works. If you're having a bad day, chances are we'll only make it worse by telling you how awesome our day was. We've got the same taste in boys and music, we move on fast, and we're kind of a big deal, obviously.

Ashley, age 18, also known as roommate. Her likes include liking boys she can't have, buying things she doesn't need, procrastinating, and cleaning. Her dislikes include waking up before 10, the desk staff, people doubting her, going home and riding the bus. Me and Ashley have a strange bond and an understanding. We do are best bonding on Sunday afternoons and between 11pm & 3am. I'm basically her alarm clock and her study motivator and she clears out to let me sleep or... do other things with the room haha. It works and you probably wouldn't understand it.

LINER NOTES (People I don't mention as often but they come up and are still important)
Dom, age 19 - he's my boy BFF, and I give him back rubs and tell him about my day when we have BFF time!
Tanya, age 18 - Ashley's best friend. She's basically my second roommate, super nosy, but a lot of fun.
Rae, age 21 - We talk late at night/early in the morning, about life and me being crazy, and we go to random shows together occasionally.
Zack, age undisclosed :-P - The best thing about Zack is that every time you ask him how he is, it's always some variant of great. He's one of the most observant people I know, reads my blog constantly, and makes attempts to cheer me up when I'm sad, and it fails usually, but I love that he tries.

xoxo
christine

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Now playing: The Used - Greener With the Scenery
via FoxyTunes