"This Is One More Day On The Verge of Tears"

March 24 - March 30

Mar 24 - Woke up and got online, talked to Mo. Felt bad that I kept her up the night prior. Talked for a while, and I started my SEB application. I, of course didn't finish then I went to SEB which was full of random new people. Lunch with Caitlin and her new cute boy. Told her about my weekend, which she was quite jealous of. Went to Econ & Anthro. Back to my room, finished my SEB application and took it over. Back to my room and took a very long nap, woke up at exactly 11:11. Really bad tummy ache so I went back to bed and woke up again around 4, just stayed up after that. Day Overall: 5

Mar 25 - Hung around my room for a while, started my Speech essay. Couldn't bring myself to go to breakfast. I had no appetite. Skipped my first class because of my tummy ache and went to Health Services once I had finished my essay. My nurse was quite hot, doctor was really nice. Bill came to $141 that I'm hoping my insurance will cover. Got put on a super strict diet for a while. Got a plain bagel that ended up being onion which I def couldn't eat, but my green tea was good. Went to Speech & Philosophy. Ashley stopped at the store and bought snacks, woo! Too bad I didn't like any of them. Weird random rash on my arm. Can't remember what else I did. Several mediocre turkey sandwiches, tummy still hurt. Eventually slept. Day Overall: 5

Mar 26 - Woke up quite early. Tried to analyze my weird dreams. Lunch was super yummy, I didn't eat much though. Listened to a lot of Taking Back Sunday. Econ and Anthro. Left Anthro early to head back to my room. Pack some things then hopped on the bus. Listened to The Carbon Kin & Panic. I need a new band. Elevator goes far too fast for my temperamental tummy. 18th floor. Job interview goes well, I think. Back on the bus to try to make it to Arundel Mills. Not so much, decide to go back to school. Get terribly lost, was very scared, call Alexa for company. 4 hours later make it back to school, and crashed after talking to Mo a bit. Day Overall: 4

Mar 27 - Woke up super early, around 4am, worked on the magazine. Had the weirdest dreams yet again. Talked to Rae for a while, told her about my weekend. 7am, went to get breakfast. Couldn't eat much at all. Talked to Mo and attempted to decipher my dreams. General conclusion being I have a lot of retained emotion and a sub-conscious desire to alter my holistic characteristics. Went to psych, speech and philosophy. Back to my room, and had some time to kill. Couldn't figure out what to do so I did something dumb. Around 6:45 went to go help out with the SEB movie which was I Am Legend, a good amount of people came. Movie still terrifies me a whole lot. It's the whole last man on Earth thing. If you didn't know, absolute ultimate biggest fear. After the movie back to my room. Tried to stay up a while but I couldn't keep my eyes open since I had been up since 4am. Fell right to bed. Day Overall: 5 | Day Overall: "God doesn't fuck up, so obviously the Devil willed you to do that..."

Mar 28 - Woke up much earlier than I wanted to, worked on the magazine for a good while. Faxed a resume to a job and turned in my Housing Application. Talked to Alexa who subtly told me she didn't approve of something I had done. Finished the last article I had to do for the magazine in the car when my dad picked me up. When I got home I went with my mommy to the mall. She seemed like she really wanted me to go with her. New issue of AP owns my entire existence and makes me want to DO SOMETHING. I waited on last things I needed for the new article. Not so much, proofread and took a nap around 10. Woke up around 1 still waiting, not so much yet again. Almost burnt down my house with a toaster over. Back in bed around 4. Day Overall: 5

Mar 29 - Woke up around 9, got everything. Placed and printed. Went to Office Depot and made half the copies I needed to before my mommy called me saying she needed the car. Got home and promoted the new issue for a good while until my mommy got home, grabbed the car and finished making copies, my daddy gave me an Office Depot gift card!!! You don't even know how awesome that is. Back home and stapled, took a shower, drove to Hamilton. Got there far too early but i needed to be there at doors. Said hi to people, gave magazines to who needed them, ran into Meg then hung with her for the night. Ended up talking to Andy from Gatsby for about 3 hours or so. Nice talking to him, some innocent flirting took place. Saw a bunch of randoms. Got stared down in Dunkin Donuts, danced around to The Dangerous Summer, made some money, time to go home. I felt bad when Zack asked me if I had a good night because I didn't. Hopped in the car and went home, back around 11:30. Posted a bulletin, then went to bed. Day Overall: 6 | Quote of the Day: "I was already sucking dick for coke at age 11"

Mar 30 - Woke up around 6AM for no good reason, grabbed a Hot Pocket, did some things on the computer. Back in bed until 11. Woke up sweating... No recollection of a dream though. Sat around watching movies most of the day being mildly productive. Wasn't feeling very happy. Posted a bulletin, helped my mommy convert a DVD to mp3. She seemed sad that I decided to go back to school today instead of Monday. Gave me more money, which I feel terrible about, and after stopping at McDonalds, my dad took me back to school around 4. Txted Andy a bit. Me and Ashley told stories about our weekend then I took a nap til about 10. Woke up and grabbed some dinner. Talked to Natalie for a good while. Made three flyers. Talked to Jason (not the one down the hall). Watched Vanilla Sky and A.I. with Ashley, then went to bed around 4. Day Overall: 5

I can't seem to get over my sadness. It's consuming me so heavily that I just feel this unbearable weight. I feel like I'm screaming inside. It hurts a lot. I don't know if I'm not being put into happy situations or if I just can't bring myself to be happy but every situation I'm being placed into can't seem to enhance my mood. I don't want to be sad anymore. This week felt like I was just going through the motions. Nothing of significance. I did a survey today that asked what made you smile today or what was the highlight of your week. It sucks that I didn't have an answer for either. Every day seems more mundane, and I don't know what I'm working to anymore. It's like I'm a shell of myself living just to live without purpose or motivation. I need some therapy.

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Now playing: The Academy Is... - Ghost [Bonus Track]
via FoxyTunes

"Summer Will Come Again, I Can Be Happy"

I haven't felt this incredibly alone in so long. What makes it worse is every time I think I've figure out why. I'm still so incredibility depressed. I've been in constant search of something, anything to make me happy, but everything seems to fall short. Nothing is near good enough, and I find myself falling asleep every night frowning at my failure.

It's such an intrinsic sense of loneliness. It feels like my the entire interior is cold, and every bit of it just hurts. I feel like I'm missing human interaction right now. So deeply separated from the people surrounding me that I can't feel anything but terror.

I'm scared for myself because I don't know why I feel like this, I don't know how long it's going to last, and I'm terrified that it's going to get worse before it gets any better. I find myself feeling increasingly scared of what I might do to resolve the issue, or what I need to do.

I feel disconnected and isolated, incredibly lonely. It kills me to feel like I'm falling apart when everything around me stays completely the same. It's like screaming and everyone is walking past me. I'm not being ignored on purpose they just don't notice I'm there. I feel myself blending into the background, a shell of sorts. Much more of the air and wind, walls and carpet than a person, an object to be overlooked and forgotten.

With few exception, I think I've cried every day for the last 3 weeks or so. This can't be a way to live. I just want to be happy. It's really as simple as that. Well it should be.

"We're Gonna Go Go Go To The Next State Line"

March 17 - March 23

Mar 17 - I woke up and was annoyed at my staff for having their articles late, picked out the courses I'm going to take over the summer. Forgot it was St. Patrick's Day. Did a survey, sat around watching TV. Such a boring day, did a lot on my to-do list. Looked for a gift for Mandy. Watched America's Best Dance Crew, made the Scene Trash time line, went to bed eventually. Day Overall: 6

Mar 18 - Woke up early, waited til10, hopped in the car and drove on 695 for the first time to go to Towson Mall, it was early in the morning so there weren't many cars on the road. I was only a little scared haha. Ran into Yamil when I got there. He was looking good, wandered around the mall. Dropped bank on Mandy & Steph's gifts, fell in love with a store Metro Park. Drove home through town around noon. Looked for a job for a while, talked to Mo. Made a list of things to work on. Started getting sick. Day Overall: 7

Mar 19 - Alexa was supposed to come over but she slept til 2 like I knew she would. Got a super cute message from Geoffrey Blake checking up on me. Trip to Walmart to buy medicine and health things. McDonalds trip, picked up my bro. Home and ate Mo picked me up. Yellowcard! Got in early to hang posters, said hi to my security guard ♥, talked to Justin most of the night. Made plans for Warped possibly, Yellowcard was beyond brilliant. Talked to Bryan Barnes & Brett. I fucking hate The Spill Canvas. Hung out and talked to Dan and his merch boy for a while. Day Overall: 8

Mar 20 - Worked on to do list all day. Mom got home and yelled at me, so that rocked. Cried for a while, talked to Rae. Cleaned up around the house. Got dressed and ready for my date with Jon. He was my hero and picked me up. We drove around for an hour just talking and on the way out he's like "I'm gonna take you out! Let's go out." It was super cute. Find out my rents are leaving me home when they go on vaca so I have the house to myself for the weekend, made some plans, got confused, got sad. Went to bed. Day Overall: 8 | Quote of the Day: "i figure you should have every song that has your name in it"

Mar 21 - Uh... HOUSE TO MYSELF! Hung around the house, called Rae, thankfully she reminded me to fill up the gas tank, so I did that and made a run to Walmart and bought some essentials for the weekend. Talked to Caitlin via text. Made myself cute then Rae came to pick me to go to the show. I did my interview with The Maine and finally got to meet the potential love of my life, John Ohhh! Hahah, interview went well. Then me & Rae went to get icecream at Coldstone's, almost got into an accident, got a bit lost on the way back to the show. Went to strangest Superfresh ever to find gum, we kind of got lost in the store haha. Got to the show and said hi to a multitude of people. Flirted with some boys. Show sold out so it was dumb crowded and since I was sick I wasn't trying to be cramped up against 300 15 year olds. Since it was a 9 day not a ten I don't need every detail but I got Elan's number, kissed Daniel on the cheek, requests to come to NY, text Zack, talked to Steve, danced with some boys, danced with Mo, talked to Mark & Alexa and got a hotel invite. Rae took me home and I get a text at 1am with the hotel name. Get directions and hop in the car and take 695 all the way up to the airport and only got lost once but not really. Didn't drink, kiss or sleep with anyone, kthnx. Made it back home around 3 or so. Still very sick so I went too bed after talking to Mo. Day Overall: 9 (It'd be ten i I wasn't sick) | Quote of the Day: "It looks like MySpace threw up all over Sonar"

Mar 22 - Woke up to an empty house yet again which was magnificent! Went to Walgreens and bought more medicine. Decided I was gonna go to Delaware to hang out with the bands. Sleep for about 3 extra hours then hop in the car and take Route 40 all the way up to Delaware it took about 90 minutes and I freaked out going over the bridge but I made it and didn't get lost. Hung out in the van for a few hours, helped DR load in. Chatted with Daniel & Bro, Food run with the merch girl. Drug convo in the van. Dunkin Donuts run with Andy & Elan while listening to WTK. I ♥ Elan. Back to the venue, quick pic. Dance around, say my goodbyes and head out at 9 to make it to Friday's at exactly 10:29PM for Mandy's birthday dinner. Didn't eat, felt uncomfortable, really nice seeing Steve though. Mandy & Steph both liked their gifts and that made me happy. Got home around 1 or so. Then crashed for the night. Day Overall: 9 | Quote of the Day: "Now he thinks he's a ninja... you've seen him at the park, dude!"

Mar 23 - Woke up, straightened up the house and laid around being very sick because I had exerted all my energy all weekend. Family came home, was super hungry didn't find anything to eat. I really want some Denny's, I wish I had money... Around 3 my daddy took me back to school and I napped for a while. Ashley came back around 7. Woke up and talked to Mo and tried to sort my screwed up head out, which worked this time I think, and told Mo about my weekend since I wasn't really with her for most of it. Crashed around 2. Day Overall: 7

This week was the type of week that sounds amazing on paper. It was awesome though, had it's bumps but def. not bad. I had vowed that I was going to live like life's going out of style, and I def. accomplished it with this. I also drove further than I have ever driven and i was really proud of myself for that. It was great seeing Jon. It was awesome making new friends and it was good trying to fix my relationships with the old ones. I love Danger Radio so much. They're great boys, Elan is too cute for words. John is a bit too chill for me. Just like last year I think the groundwork has been set for an amazing summer, and I'm very excited. I feel like I'm crossing my fingers and tossing the dice sometimes, but so far I'm winning the game?

xoxo
christine

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Now playing: Farewell - eighty-eights
via FoxyTunes

"I'm My Own Worst Enemy"

March 10 - March 16

Mar 10 - Woke up at 5am, Scene Trash stuff SEB at noon. Lunch with Caitlin afterwards. My Caesar salad has too much cheese. Only one class, because ANTH canceled, tried to find a hotel with Alexa. Crashed when I got back to my room, then slept til 6:30 or so. Went to the Commons and got a cheesesteak, forgot to say plain so I had to pick of everything. Late to my PHIL study group, but it was okay, and silly & funny lol. There until 10pm, then back to my room. Grabbed late night, listening to Less Than Jake, talked to Rae, and I was tired from studying, so I crashed. Day Overall: 6

Mar 11 - Woke up early, grabbed breakfast, posted a nice blog about the weather. Proving Zack wrong, because I did write a happy blog! The weather felt amazing. This amazing boy know finished the lyrics to the song in my away message. Studied for Psych, class, class, test. I was the second finished and I think I aced it. Tried to figure out the hotel sitch. Started annoying Mo and felt bad. Dinner with the roommate & company. All hung out for a while. Tried to do Econ work, too tired. Went to bed. Day Overall: 5

Mar 12 - Uh... woke up and did my Econ homework, then tried to read for Psych, not so much. Took a shower for the first time in a while. Talked to Geoffrey Blake who I love. He tried to make me feel better, as did the rest of the world lol. Not so much. Econ class, food possibly. Back to my room. Think I crashed for a while, got a text from Mo. Hung out downstairs talking to door staff, new flavored condoms in! Helen upon meeting Jason decides that he is too nice for me, which might have been a nice way of calling me easy but eh, it's whatevs. I do remember watching the television for a while with Tanya & Ashley. Chatted with Rae and she was worried about me. Eventually I crashed. Day Overall: 5

Mar 13 - Woke up early, grabbed breakfast.Walked around depressed as I had for the last week. Two classes, speech is silly as always. Came back and chatted with the door staff as always. Hadn't talked to Mo for 2 days because I thought she hated me. She texted me and it made me happy. In and out of a nap while texting her. Woke up semi-early and I believe i skipped dinner. Gave Kevin & Zack directions, they came over & were super silly, but I'm a big fan of those boys. Made their snazzy ass layout & Ashley went out to the club. Took a break to grab food. Ran into my friends Joe & Scott. Met their friend Brian. Started flirting, started kissing... Kevin: "OMG, Christine, WTF just happened?!" Zack gave me a big hug, I really rally need one. Yea, don't even know... Locked out of my room, call Steph almost at midnight. Finished up the layout. Take a look! Snazzy right?! Called Brian and invited him over, asked Ashley to give me an hour ahah. So me and boy I just met hooked up. No, I didn't sleep with him. Which resulted in me being called a tease, psh... I'm not a tease. I'm also not a slut. Brian left, 3am Ashley came back and around 4 or so I crashed after finally eating my Hot Pockets. Tanya's got herself a new boy interest. I don't mind him. He's a good time. Quote of the Day: Various things that Kevin said that were off the record... lol | Day Overall: 7

Mar 14 - Woke up and wrote my ANTH papers all day. Grabbed lunch, packed up for break. Got picked up, finished up and sent it out around 5. Got changed and dressed for Steph's dinner. Stopped at the bank and apologized to my bank account. Stopped at the mall, didn't get Steph the gift I was gonna get her. Dinner time. I spent a lot of money, well $40 on shrimp & steak. Drove Rae to her car, and she followed me to give me a ride to Steph's. Get to Steph's and we hang out. I do my laundry finally hahah, and talked to Steph's rents. Sat around downstairs and just talked. Wasn't in the mood to dance at all. Still really really sad, felt really lonely. Brittany made the cutest cake. Me & Alexa were craving our fd from dinner so we chowed on that. Played ImagineIff and I lost as always hahaha. Told Alexa about Brian. Rae, Brittany & Mo left. I broke Rae's heart when I told her don't like Johnny Depp haha. I was the first one in bed and shivered all night evidently ahaha. Day Overall: 4

Mar 15 - Woke up around 9:30, talked to Steph's rents. Got online and posted a bulletin because I was still really sad. Everyone eventually woke up around 12 or so, and Steph's mommy made us yummy breakfast. I had left my cell phone at home by accident. Hung out in our future RV and eventually Alexa took me home resulting in her getting severely lost on her at back to Steph's. My mom asked me why I wan't participating in Steph's birthday weekend and asked why I looked so sad. Text message Mo and I was really depressed as I had been. Finally sorted it out and I felt alot better. Talked to Zack a while and became their unofficial manager haha. Texted Mo, to make sure her, Alexa & Steph were okay. She was drunk. I wish I was there but I didn't think I was invited. D: Whatever, I'm crazy. Mo called me at 6am and I talked to her for about 30 minutes before I finally went to bed. Day Overall: 5 | Quote of the Day: "Well fortunately for you, you don't hang out with yourself. I do. And I still like ya."

Mar 16 - Woke up around noon to a text from Mo, and I was happy because she still liked me in the morning when she wasn't drunk. No, seriously. Went downstairs around 1 to hang with the rents. Made a trip to the bank. Both tellers were flirting with me. Came home, and went out with my mommy. She took me shopping. My mommy is gonna try to get my daddy to give me the Honda!!! She bought me some snazzy shoes :D, got home, did some dishes then got some work done. Napped for a while, text from Joe, then crashed around midnight. Day Overall: 6

This week sucked so hard, I was severely depressed for most of it, felt ignored for a good portion of it, felt hated for another part. Basically it sucked. Thursday as the highlight of the week, and it involved hooking up with a random boy. That can't be good haha. It was nice to see Zack & Kevin and the overall quote of the week was "Hold your head high heavy heart" because I had it said to me at least 4 times. I think I just looked sad all week, and felt sad. I hope Stephani had a good birthday because as I always say birthdays are extremely important. I'm feeling much much better now, but the last two weeks were torture emotionally as HTL says "And I doubt we can make it out alive."

xoxo
christine

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Now playing: Less Than Jake - The Science Of Selling Yourself Short
via FoxyTunes

"With All This Rain It Keeps On Falling"

I'm trying, I'm trying so hard to climb out, but every time I get a few inches up, I feel myself slipping back down. Time isn't on my side and everything seems so far from reach. The rope isn't long enough, and it's not anywhere near the bottom.

I'm really quite sad. I can't pinpoint the reason, but I try so hard to be the positive person I'm used to, but I feel like with every observation & every conversation I'm spiraling downward. Every sad conversation & every happy one just hurts right now. I hate this feeling. It's been about a year since I've felt this deeply unhappy, but this time it's not as tangible.

I feel unneeded, unwanted, as Cartel says, "wasted." I feel like I'm pushing on to an unattainable goal, or a goal that's taking too long to accomplish, or a goal that's not as important as I think. I feel like I'm moving to the bottom of everybody's list and everybody's thoughts while they're still at the top of mine. I'm not one to move on easily, and I wish I had the strength that all of my friends have.

I guess I'm just scared. I'm truly and genuinely scared. As Justin says "the future freaks me out." In my mind everything works out in the future, and I'm moving toward the right path, but the hypotheticals that others are implemented in my mind are eating at me, and I'm just scared that it won't all go according to plan. I think I just need a hug. A hug would be really nice.

I'll be honest regardless of what anyone says to me I feel like my best friends hate me, that I'll never have my dream job, I feel like I have some serious unresolved issues, I feel like I'm probably bipolar, that I'll never get whatever guy I want, or the guy I truly want that I'll never be able to have (I wonder if he knows...), basically I feel like I'm failing in every important aspect of my life and I don't really know what to do about it anymore...

"Your Voice Was The Soundtrack of My Summer"

It smells like Spring out but feels like Summer, the perfect Summer day when you wake up dumb early and bounce out of bed because you have the best day in the world plan and because the day before was the best day ever, and today probably will be as well. It's the way you feel before Warped Tour #3, and you would have stayed up all night if you had to, hell, you were hoping you'd have to.

I don't have the symptoms of summer. The air's got it all it's own, and I'm loving it. It reminds me of the lazy days of May at 7AM when the kids are turning around in their sweats and flip flops because they decided they really didn't want to go to school today. When it's still cold out but in two hours it's gonna be pushing 90 and today is the day for a snowball run during lunch.

It makes me crave summer like a drug. "I need the smell of summer, I need it's noises in my ear."

"We Won't Forget Tony or Johnny"

March 3 - March 9

Mar 3 - So I woke up and had to study for my econ exam, so I skipped econ. Talked to Lou. Jason stopped by and it didn't feel like the right time to tell him I liked him (Yep, I suck). Econ test not too bad, went back to my room because I had about a half hour to spare, ended up sleeping through Anthro class, and almost through dinner. At dinner around 6:30. I got on the interweb and discovered Adam Henderson's new band... Texted Mo a bit. Made cookies with Ashley & Tanya, and I accidently woke Jason up to give him some cookies. He wears glasses!! HOW CUTE!? I think I went to bed soon after that but, really know knows... Day Overall: 7

Mar 4 - Did a band scan and got shit done. Stocked for the RRRGL tour. Movie is philosophy exam. Back to my room and worked online for a while, grabbed some food and Mo came to pick me up. Got to the show, got my pass, saw The Cab play, everyone got all seperated and stuff. Hung with Rhi a bit, went to say hi to her mommy ran into Danny being sketchy. Mo came out and we chatted with him, friendly shit talking as usual hahah. Searching for the comment, Danny says he loves us, and is a fan of the green shirt. "What is it St. Patty's Day?" I gave him one compliment. Inside to watch Cobra, say hi to Travis. "Hey! Are you hanging out tonight!?" "Sure! What are doing!?" "I dunno." I love him and his happy disposition. Dancing around to Cobra, CONFETTI!!! Raining, head out. Rae almost gets smacked. Texted Trevor to say bye. Stupid car makes us hop the curve. Blown out tire. Hour and a half fixing it, nervous guy helps us out. Felt super dooper bad about Mo's new car. Back to school, I think I grabbed late night. Texted Rae who increasingly thinks I'm crazy. Talked to Jon from high school, made plans to hang out on Sunday. Day Overall: 7 | Quote of the Day: "Worrying is only gonna bring you down."

Mar 5 - Weird dreams about We The Kings. Things are resolving themselves slowly, sort of. Posted a really really long blog about myself. Made Carbon Kin's snazzy banner. Run into Jason and he's supposed to hang out later. Took a nap. Wrote a new about me. Project Runway finale watched by myself instead of with a bunch of awesome people, waiting for Jason. He hurt his shin playing indoor soccer. Went downstairs and made cinnamon rolls with Ashley & Tanya. Came back upstairs and invited some people over for cinnamon rolls. Chatted with Rae and become super devastatingly depressed, so that really really sucked. Went to bed really late, crying, nauseous, and with a splitting headache. Ugh, I suck. Day Overall: 4 |Quote of the Day: "no you are being crazy version of you which isnt you you"

Mar 6 - Severely depressed, didn't eat all day. Got fired for being too expensive yet again. Still depressed, cried a lot. Tried not to cry in class, listened to Armor all day. Didn't talk much all day. Movie in Psych. Ran into Jason, started to feel better. Talked to Mo, depressed some more. Dropped off at home, walked in crying. Mom asked what was wrong, told her I got fired. Laid around the house, watch Spongebob and get super depressed and cried because all his friends left him. Mo picked me up. Tried not to cry. Felt better again. Philadelphia where ya at!? Get to the show right before Cobra. Dance around with assorted band boys. Ran into Trevor, waiting around for friends to get out of the bar area. Finally talked to Travis. Said hi to cute one in Metro Station (not Mason or Trace haha). Hung out upstairs. Fanned Travis, trying to hang out, gave him the giftcard. Super happy, Travis is drunk and loves everyone, free t-shirt. Met Billy (WTK cute merch boy). OMG TONY!!! Travis tells us to follow him. Travis walks to fast, and we got distracted. Ended up hanging by the door, say hi to Danny. Hanging outside, watched Billy's things. Gave the bus drive Trevor's backpack. Boys heading out, give Travis my number, "I'll put you in as Christine with an exclamation point!" Go get cheese steaks with Alexa, Mandy & Mo. I don't like it that much and it costs $7.50, eh. Whatevs. Back home stayed awake the whole time. Home around 2:30?Day Overall: 7 | Quote of the Day: "TONY BACARDI!"

Mar 7 - Up at 8:30, dressed, walked the half mile to the bus stop. Two bus rides, got hit on once. 2 hours later I make it. Job interview goes well. Super casual, they were impressed with my resume and magazines. Lasted about a half hour. Abel Communications, near Ottobar, but in Mount Washington, I like it there. I have a writing assignment to do to show I'm serious, dunno if it can be a paid internship or not yet. 2 buses back, get lost, started to rain, find the bus, make it home. Half hour nap, mom comes home, text from Mo. Time to get up, hop in the shower, Get cute. Lancaster time. Get to the show. Sneak Mo in, hang around. Tiny ass dress. No trash can in bathroom. People don't know how to wash their damn hands. Sneaking in a Capri-Sun. Say hi to Billy, "Look at them tittes!" Lucky I think he's cute. Flirt, but only subtly. Asks me if I'll be in NYC. No not so much. Upstairs to sit and look at pictures. Back downstairs, band boys are getting attacked. Metro Station sucks live. Vitamin Water. Cobra Starship on. I dance with Trace Cyrus, Alexa freaks the fuck out, as do more people than I thought. The boy was just standing there dancing, it was too easy. Dance around to Cobra. Head out, see that cute red head I like... "Hey Boy!" "Hey Baby!" That made me smile. Chat for a bit, wayyyy too much trouble figuring out who's driving. Drive to Sonic. Alexa loves Lancaster: "I'm gonna have sex in a Lancaster home with Tony Bacardi!" "You can't sleep with Tony Bacardi!" YAY sonic! "King Street" "We The King Street." I use my rents credit card to buy 8 dollars worth of amazing food. Well... the tater tots weren't that great. Issues with Sonic and their drive thru. Made it back to the show at 11:33. Park near the mob that Gabe was the center of, finish eating. Go outside and wander. Say bye to Mason, Travis and Trevor. Talk to Billy, arms all around, tell him I'll see him in April. Told me to make sure I bring the girls, and smacks me on the ass... no, seriously. "That's the girl that danced with Trace." Midnight, 12 everyone hustles out, and it's time to go home. Dumb dumb fog all the way up to the MD line. Home around 1:30 or so. Day Overall: 8 | Quote of the Day: "I would have given some head if I had to, to get you into this show." "I love you, but I wouldn't have."

Mar 8 - I worked on the new site for the entirety of the day. I don't even know if I ate. Cleaned a bit. Don't think I really had my appetite back anyway. Talked to Mo finally about stuff I should have talked to her about weeks ago. Felt a bit better. Crashed around 2am. Site looks great though. 16 hours of straight work. Day Overall: 7

Mar 9 - Woke up at like 11, wondered how I slept for so long, realized i forgot about daylight savings. Did my mommy's hair, til she pissed me off, so I asked my dad to take me back to school around 2pm. We talked about my major, and he asked me if I had any money. Which I do not but i'm allowed to use the credit card, and they might start paying me allowance again, suweeeet. I really don't want to take their money though. So I need a new job asap again haha. Back to school and I work on the layout some more. Jason stops in and says he'll be back after dinner. Tried to study, not so much. Went to dinner. Try to study some more. Watch Bring It On, and work on the layout some more. Texted Mo back and forth, which makes me feel like I suck, but then it made me feel better. Sometimes you just need to talk to a friend, even if the issue is with said friend. Jason never stopped by, in bed around 10:30. Day Overall: 5 | Quote of the Day: "Just stop throwing it around for every little thing because it stats to lose its meaning after so many times."

Uh... I needed to get super sad I think. I was on the edge for too long. It was fucking with so much internally that I just needed a few days to cry. Life is so unstable right now, and I don't know where it's all going. I'm still working on the being less calculated thing sooo I'm just gonna have to let shit happen. I've also figured out that life can't be continuous because people keep saying that to me. I guess I like circles... hahaha. I don't know I'm just scared and anxious. I also hate change so I'm just nervous. The weekend wasn't as good as I'd hoped but with warm weather comes long night, lazy days and some amazing memories, so I look forward that. Besides that, I'll just have to sit and wait, and try not to stress myself or my friends out...

xoxo
christine

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Now playing: Armor For Sleep - My Saving Grace
via FoxyTunes

"You've Got My Head Spinning, Heart Beating Out of My Chest"

So there's some shit I've been meaning to write about and I finally have some time, SO here goes...

About a week back the New York Philharmonic played in North Korea. I know you're probably thinking, uh... so what? I didn't think it was that huge of a deal either, trust me. That is until they showed the clip, 7 minute stand obviation. Then the news anchor saying, we don't know how this is going to effect the United States relations with the hostile country. Immediately, I think, wow, can this one 3 hour concert effect world relations in anyway? That's remarkable. Mind you, it's not rock and roll, but music, regardless of style has such a profound effect on the world, and on me. I've always believed music and save the world, and this is just a little bit of proof. I've always been blissfully idealistic, so it's nice to have something in life prove that I'm not just living in my own little dream world.

---

So I've got a lot of underlying issues, developed phobia, and anxiety. If you know me at all, you know that shit is completely normal. I'm pretty fucked up, and I accepted that long ago, but lately shit feels like it's building up. It's like swelling to a size I can't control and it's effecting my physical health. I've started getting stomach aches, I haven't gotten anxiety tummy aches since I was about... 11 years old and it's really starting to worry me. Last time I had aches like that I was at a really dark time in my life, and it made me really sick. My body doesn't work well with being upset. The problem this time, unlike when I was 11, I have no clue what's causing all these internal struggles. I can't even tell what's wrong, but my body knows something I don't, or something I'm attempting to suppress. I've always been good at forgetting bad things, but usually it's after not during, so I don't know anymore... I'm really in need of a therapist, shit's not cheap though, so I'm gonna half to work this out on my own, I guess, before I give myself a stomach ulcer.

---

If you know me, you know I'm not one for empathy. Hell, I'm barely one for sympathy. Actually, I probably hate you. So this part might surprise you if you don't know me very well, or even better if you think you know me. As MTV puts it "You think you, but you have no idea." Here's whats up, if you don't know, when I have a friend that is sad... it will encompass my whole being basically. I'll find myself sad, not because anything in my life is sad but because I can't stand to see my friend upset. You may think I'm a pretty cold person all the time, because I don't have time to deal with bullshit and "sucks for you" stay in my everyday dialouge, but the people that I truly care about know that I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I'm easily upset. Regardless of the tempertment of a friend at the time, like all the empath's you see in movies, I can sense the pain they're experiencing and it deeply depresses me. One thing you probably have noticed about me is that I'm bouncing off the walls happy about 90% of the time, the other 10% of the time I'm probably really really sad. After another really dark time in my life, I haven't experienced crippling sadness in quite sometime, I've even made it point to not listen to sad music, and I can usually avoid getting down. I've never understood why my friends' emotions effect me on such a profound level, maybe I don't want them to have to experience pain alone. I know how it feels to be alone, and I never want my friends to have to experience that. Being alone is my absolute worst fear. Any pain that they do have to experience I want them to know there's someone that is at least trying to understand. Inn my head I think, a friend is supposed to make their friend feel better, and why can't I? I'm not one to fail, so it feels like a stab in the heart when I can't succeed, and I'll do every single thing in my power to help fix whatever is wrong. Honestly, I'm a really good person, if you really get to know me.

---

So ever since I lost all my friends, Armor-style when I was 11, I've developed a barrel full of unresolved issues. I have a serious deeply rooted issue with being alone as I expressed. I also have a problem with being ignored or being replaced. Being felt like you're getting brushed away is such a devastatingly intense feeling. Ben J. wrote, what, like... 2 CDs about it? Shit really gets in your fucking mind. Seven years later, the shit that happened in middle school is still pulling at my heart and I constantly have a worry that my friends are gonna replace me, or that they secretly hate me. Sometimes I just need reassurance that I'm still liked. I know it sounds needy, but that's who I am. This approval only needs to come from a few people, fuck everyone else, honestly. I couldn't care less if about 95% of people hate me, because I probably hate them. I've got this awesome built in defense mechanism where I don't make friends easily and when I do find them, they're stable lasting relationships. There's not a lot of people that can truly hurt me, and thats the way I like it, but if one day they do, like Mr. Pierre said... "I'm a mess, I'm a wreck. I am perfect, and I have learned to accept all my problems and short comings, cause I am so visceral, yet deeply inept." I'm a very very vulnerable person, some shit's happen to me in my life, that I choose not to talk about, and often times I purposely forget, but that's who I am, and my friends know that, and they'd never hurt me that way... but sometimes it's good to be reassured that you're still liked.

Well I think that's all I had to say for now, I doubt anyone will actually read all that (besides Monique eventually, and Zack), but it's some things I really needed to get off my brain, because it was making my heart heavy and my head spinning. (That was a reference to two of my favorite bands at the same time, wtf is up haha!?)

xoxo
christine

p.s. - Sorry to anyone who was expecting a blog about last night, shit wasn't a ten :-P, wait til Sunday, or perhaps Thursday & Friday, "the sky looks different when you're in another state."

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Now playing: Armor For Sleep - Stand In The Spotlight
via FoxyTunes

"I Worry. I Wonder All The Time Why Worry?"

February 25 - March 2

Feb 25 - Grabbed food around 10, figured out my DVD wasn't working, tried to fix it. Went to SEB, went to the library. Saw afro kid. Econ wasn't bad, anthropology was silly. Back to my room, took a nap, woke up late, went to the Commons for dinner, met up with Ashley, Tanya, and Jynese. Kevin called. Was upset that Jason didn't stop by then around 12:15 I finally got him over, gave him his cake, he was super happy and excited and hugged me about 15 times, literally :D Day Overall: 8

Feb 26 - Woke up, talked to Mo. Who's Mary Clare? Gotta make a list for Bammy. Monique you have to watch the video on Joshy's page. Talked to Rae. Lancaster tickets, dumb expensive. Class over, Mo picks me up, dropped off at home, parents confused. Talked to Alexa. Realized that music can change the world, but I don't think anyone gets it as much as I do. Can't go to Philly because Mo car's broke, felt super dooper bad. D: Mo's daddy took me back to school. Felt super bad again. Hung out with Jason :D Day Overall: 6 | Quote of the Day: "You're so gay for him."

Feb 27 - Econ canceled! Woo! Worked on finishing up & updating my blog. Anthropology silly as always, I'm doing well on my papers though so that's good. I couldn't sleep because I curled my hair and if I took a nap it'd mess it up, plus I was super nervous. Around 8, Jason came over, he was dressed nice :), and also didn't take a nap. Ordered food, listening to Yellowcard, watched movie, cuddled up, talked. This was almost a 4 hour event. Answered not a single but I enjoyed it, and he's taller than me, so Steph is proud :D. Crashed after that, after grinning stupidly for about an hour. Day Overall: 8

Feb 28 - Psych class canceled, wooooo! Ate lunch, dunno what else I did really... Class, feeling nauseous, stupid expensive tickets. Told Mo I love her THIS MUCH :D. Hung with Ashley for a bit, watched the Princess Diaries, and whatever else was on television. Decided to stay at school and work on Scene Trash work all night, but really hope to see Jason, not so much though. Day Overall: 6

Feb 29 - Happy Leap Year! Sent our the band newsletter, got a lot of positive feedback so that was so nice. Tried to see Jason, ran into him for a sec. Daddy picked me up. Went to the bank, and Walmart, car swerved, freaked out. Friends went out without me, but it wasn't that serious, sad that I hadn't hung out with Mo for so long though. Stayed up and checked up on friends, crashed around 10 but woke up every few hours. Day Overall: 5

Mar 1 - Um... I think I went straight to work. Chatted with Alexa. Mo seems to be feeling a bit better, we didn't get to hang out though and that made me sad. She did buy her car and I was super excited for her. Drove around wayy to much at work, don't ask... Back home, phone call from Cooper, guest list & plus one, going to the show with Rae. Find dream job... at College Park. Trip to Office Depot, chatted with Kim. Visited Steph,, huge meal at McDonalds, back home finally. Posted the Cast of Characters, don't know what else, but at 8, Rae picked me up, and her driving scares me, but besides that it was fun. I like Rae. Show was a good time, except the dirty Mexican mustache. Denny's with almost the full band, plus Ebony. Pic with Mo's car! Woooo! Home before 1, up til 4 because of this site & talking to Mo. I was sad because I couldn't remember the last time I had hear Monique laugh. Day Overall: 7 | Quote of the Day: "And I don't think ATL has outgrown anything except maybe superhero pjs"

Mar 2 - Woke up, went to Ross, Burlington Coat Factory, CompUSA, then finally White Marsh Mall where I found my shirt, visited Mandy. Decided not to spend anymore money on food. Went to Walmart & Sam's Club, brought my mommy home the car. Stapled magazines. Mo picked me up, new car's awesome. McDonalds stop. Texted Ashley. YAY PHILADELPHIA. Marshall is a nice boy. Mitch & Marshall talked through me. Nick is a cute boy :D, and danced with me & Mo. That's Nick from October Fall, that is. Great discussions were had with various members of Powerspace about Baltimore. Trip to WaWa, trip home, couldn't stay awake, felt super dooper badly that I couldn't apologized about 3 times at least. The whole weekend tired me out, super productive. Quarter tank of gas used. Driving was scaring me. Day Overall: 7 | Quote of the Day: "I'm not going to have to hop over the table, am I?"

This week was productive, wasn't that great though. Farewell was awesome, and I sure do love Philadelphia so it's always nice to go there. I'm welcoming Spring with open arms because the temperature is rising and becoming glorious. School's good. Jason's adorable and frustrating, and amazing. I can't really interpret better than this, let's just say I'm just gonna cross my fingers, and keep smiling. As Yellowcard says... "Everything I gonna be alright."

xoxo
christine

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Now playing: Metro Station - California
via FoxyTunes

CAST OF CHARACTERS PART 5

the long awaited...

CAST OF CHARACTERS PART 5

Monique (she has a blog too!), age 23, sometimes referred to as Mo, or my big sis. Her Likes include awkward indie boys, designing, dancing, glitter and literary devices. Her dislikes include needles, questions, red dye #40, and germs. She looks out for me more than you could ever imagine, and I have no idea where I'd be without her. She's known for her cell phone, and parking lot dance parties, road trips and giving the best gifts. (She'll also notice that that sentence rhymed before you did), and we compliment each other, but she's cooler than me. What do you expect though, lil sis can't be cooler than big sis!

Stephani, age 18--often referred to as Steph or Asian girl! Her likes include her little red Saturn, local band boys, Hello Kitty, and leopard print. Her dislikes include box lockers, people that hit her car, girlfriends, Long Horn Steak House. She gets me into far more trouble than she ever gets me out of, and together we're infamous for being at sketchy parties in random cities, getting completely and utterly lost, kissing boys we shouldn't, and being thrown into the most awkward situations.

Alexa, age 22--ALEXA MOTHER FUCKING SUNSHINE! Her likes include obscure Doghouse bands, boys from other cities, cupcakes, and super dooper happy things. Her dislikes include headband & co., Baltimore local music, people that get in the way, and stupid people on AP.net. Alexa is my hero, and she could probably kick your ass with her lanky ass limbs if you really piss her off. Infamous for swashing shit, lurking hardcore, being legit as hell, and her one and only dance move that I will never be able to do as good as as she can.

Mandy, age 21, also known as Mandy Sin. Her likes include red, Tim Burton movies, pin-up girls, her laptop, her camera. Her dislikes include stupid people, people who rip off her style, girls that get in the way, and headband & co. Infamous for that hair, her camera, and hand massages. She's the girl with the fire truck red hair, who your favorite bands like more than you.

Some more kids are teetering on the edge of being on this list (some again), so April's list will probably be substantially longer, or maybe I'll do a mid-month supplement. Or as Every Avenue needs to do, a re-release hahahah.

xoxo
christine

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Now playing: Jack's Mannequin - Rescued
via FoxyTunes