I Only Write In Here When I'm Introspective

Time for a life update. There's a whole lot I want to say about the way my life is at the moment.

I'm in search of a new car because Lola is on her last leg. I went car shopping today with him and I had an amazing time bickering with him about American cars versus Foreign and large versus small. He said I need to drive a car that exudes that sexy CEO thing I've got going (then later grabbed my ass). He left before I did, but when I got out to my car I saw a note written on the back of a CVS receipt that said "Looooooove You. Hope you had a great time." One day, no matter if it's 40 years from now, I'm going to marry that boy. I've never said this in it's entirety to myself but when I say things like this eventually it happens. I'm known to have good luck (for the most part).

I've spent the last two weekends out of state, in Philadelphia mostly. I would really love to move there. Philadelphia is slowly becoming the place I call home--it's the place all my friends are, the parties, the food I love to eat, the places I love to be. I'm starting to know all the roads, the neighborhoods, and the acquaintances. While I may complain and bitch sometimes, I always look back on every day I spend in Philadelphia as phenomenal. Philadelphia is the one place I know that there's always someone to hang out with and a place to sleep. Man, I love that city and less and less seems to be keeping me in Baltimore.

While I'm in Philadelphia, I feel so care free. Mind you, I come back to piles & piles of work, but whatever, I'll get to it. There's so much more to be doing. Earlier this month me & Blair went to Detroit, the entire trip lasted 50 hours. This past weekend I was in Philadelphia a total of 40 hours. The amount of things me and Blair packed into such a short amount of time was remarkable. Fuck sleep, fuck healthy food, living life is all that matters.

I say shit like that, stay up til 6AM dancing on a roof, drive 12 hours just to see a new city and awesome friends, sit around in a park listening to Senses Fail at 1AM and hop on a bus at 9PM to go to a different city, but this weekend for the first time I was told I wasn't fun. I've known this, and the person said it mostly in jest, but it hit me a bit hard. I have too good of a head on my shoulder to partake in truly stupid behavior. I've danced on bars, ran through sprinklers, and countless other silly things, but I'm too smart to send nudes, drive over 100 MPH, or drink until I throw up. I know this doesn't make for the best stories in the world, but I know I can wake up in the morning and look at myself. I'm too calculated to fuck up my life permanently. I know that may be perceived as un-fun (in addition to my hatred of comedies, holidays, children and pets), and sometimes I really wish I could be the girl stealing for the hell of it, jumping over, off or onto something, or even having a drink, but that's not the person I am. I'm the responsible one. The one that even with a spontaneous 12 hour road trip I've already planned every hour, the cost, bought tickets, printed directions and have multiple back up plans. For the most part, I really like that about myself but sometimes I don't know...

That being said, I'm marriage material because of it. I joked recently that a women has a few jobs--to be useful and to be hot. I pride myself in being useful (and hot). I'm the girl that carries tissues, mints, forks, blankets, ponchos and and endless assortment of other just in case items, like your mom when you were little and you had a tummy ache and Tums miraculously came out of her bag or your sweater you were supposed to take but didn't. I love taking care of people and being able to help people. Now that I have a better job, I'm the type of person that will foot a bill if need be and has emergency money just in case. I'm starting to get a little tired of paying for everything, but if I ever want to go anywhere it's kind of how it has to be. So many of my friends are in hard financial states right. I've become the one that makes sure people have rides home and get places safely, and stops people from doing the stupid shit that I wish I could do sometimes. I don't know when I became the friend that people go to when they can't pay their rent, need help with school, or when they need a job reference, but it makes me feel so grown up and scares me a bit, but I think I like it most of the time. Hopefully I don't let everyone down.

I'm a simple girl. I like playing board games, eating ice cream and watching movies in my pajamas. I'm a morning person and love watching the sunrise & set (which I can cross off my life list). If it were up to me everything would happen in the afternoon because I don't even like night time that much. If I had it my way, I'd rarely leave the house and would sit around with a boy cooking & cleaning for him, and having great sex. I've come to discover that's all I need in my life. Everything I do is to get my dream job and my dream boy one day, but I'm getting tired so I wish both would hurry up and get here. It's a bit hard when you're not the type of girl a guy wants to date but you are the girl a guy should marry. I think I should just start hitting on 30-somethings, 20-somethings aren't cutting it. I wish I didn't feel so old sometimes.

While we're on the topic of boys, in the last 2 weeks two things have happened. First off, I've been truly put in the friend zone. Not the, we're gonna hook up but never date because we're friends zone, but the honest to God Friend Zone. I'll be honest and say I thought I was too hot to be put in the friend zone (because it's never happened before) according to this chart, but I guess it depends on how hot the guy is haha. It's a weird feeling but I guess I'll have to deal with it, no other choice because he's a great kid, but shit can change when a girl is in the friend zone not when a guy is, so we'll see.

The other thing I learned, after spending an obscene amount of time listening to The Gaslight Anthem in Motor City (sorry, Alexa for not listening to them sooner), I've decided I want an All-American boy. A boy that says "yes, ma'am" and loves his mother, one that drives a pick up trucks, drinks whiskey, plays football and smokes cigarette. One that wears plaid & Levi's, covered in tattoos, plays an acoustic guitar and loves America. He also somehow has to be a Democrat and educated but hey it's do-able. He (the boy that went to Car Max with me) ruined this by saying he's most of those qualities, but hey I'm going to marry him eventually anyway so it's not too bad. I'm just into a boy who I can cook, clean and look hot for that can actually fix a car, play a sport, and hold his liquor. Clearly I need to move down south for this, because these Mid-Atlantic boys just ain't cutting it. My boys from the Northern Mid-West, on the other hand, know what's up.

I can keep writing for hours (about school, work, life, bad decisions, and more) but I have to leave for New York in about 6 hours, so I should get some sleep but to sum this up. I love Philadelphia, and love Blair for spending so much time with me, and thinking stupid things are an awesome idea like I do. I love Baltimore, though I may be starting to love Philly more. I love The Gaslight Anthem and All-American boys, and I really do love myself even though sometimes I wish I was a bit more fun. I'm stoked to go back to school soon and wear layers, and to be 21 in a few months and experience what all my favorite cities really have to offer.

Goodnight!

A letter to him that I may or may not ever send him.

I realized I always get mad at you not because I hate you, actually it's far from that. What it really is I try so hard to make you happy. I would do absolutely anything to make you happy. What makes me angry is that I don't feel like you appreciate me or my efforts at all. I require nothing from you but to hear from you once in a while, and I would give you the world. It makes me realize that there is someone in the world who makes you happier than I do, no matter what I do or say, there is that person that is always able to give you more than I can and it makes me crazy because I'd do anything in the world to be that person.

In addition to that, when you decide not to talk to me for days, weeks, months, etc, you say that you stop talking to everyone, but it's not true because that same person that has the ability to make you happier than I can is the same person you still talk to when you're not talking to "everyone." I hate being "everyone." You can't say things like you've never lied to me and I'm the only person that's never made you angry yet consider me "everyone."

That's why I'm upset all the time, you make me feel like "everyone" when I'm not with you, so all my aggrivation comes out when I am with you.

I Wake Up To Find It's Another Four Aspirin Morning, and I Dive In

I'm obviously too busy to update daily, and by the time I get a free minute I think, might as well wait til the end of the month. I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm just going to write about days that need to be written about. I have a calendar & twitter to know what I'm doing on a daily basis now.

Maybe I'll still have the numbers system, maybe not, but it'll be much better insight into my life than just a recap.

"The Ribbon on My Wrist Says Do Not Open Before Christmas"

Today I went to my bank to take care of some crap wrong with my bank account. A wonderful women named Carol was my bank representative.

Because of the overload of the holiday season, their computers were running pretty slowly which gave us some time to talk. Seeing my direct deposit was from CBS Radio she asked what I did, I explained that I do promotions which she said sounded like a lot of fun.

She asked about school, and I told her I went to UMBC and I was a Marketing major, which she said was fitting for me. I told her I loved my school and my jobs, and that they look great on my resume.

Then I thanked her for being so nice to me, and confessed that I was dumped last night. She, sounding astonished asked how long we'd been together, and I told her only about a month and that we weren't official, but we'd seen each other 3 or 4 times a week for that time.

She then said that was still a big deal, and that he doesn't deserve me. She said that he made a big mistake, and couldn't see why any guy would let me go. She said that a girl as ambitious as me can be intimidating to some men and I need to find someone that can handle that. She also said, she didn't mean to be cliche but she's a mother and knows that when one door closes another opens, and she's certain that something better will come along for me.

I thanked her so much for everything, hugged her goodbye and skipped to my car. This women, whom I've never met before was so nice to me, and I appreciated it so much.

I have the ability to make people really like me when they first meet me, I'm charming and charasmatic and all those other wonderful adjectives that make me great to be in marketing. Unfortunetely, the novelty wears off fast and people get sick of me, so for the most part I'm usually a fun temporary distraction, like a trendy Christmas toy.

For someone that likes consistency, that makes me really upset, but I've gotta roll with the punches, knowing each person I connect with I'm only going to be with for a short time be it friend or more.

Obviously, there are exceptions to this rule, but I think about the people I spend the most time with and how different it is from a year ago, or even six months ago. I used to need reminding a lot that people like me. It took a long time but, I finally understand that people really do like me but only for short periods of time. I feel like a person with a warning sticker stressing that long-term exposure could be hazardous to your health.

So in this new year, I'm setting out to find some more consistent people in my life, or maybe I need to figure out how to not have my novelty fade so fast--how to make people still like me months after they meet me, as much as they like me when they first meet me. This seems like a really odd problem to have. Anyone have this issue also, or have any advice?

Isn't This Supposed To Be Fun?

So I went out with not-boyfriend on Friday night, and he wanted to honk my horn while I was driving just for fun. He also wanted to go write in some wet cement we saw downtown, which I told him "you're too old for that."

I don't know if he noticed or not, but I realized, I'm not fun. Think Squidward or the dad in Finding Nemo. I don't enjoy doing silly useless things like writing in cement or playing in the snow. Come to think about it, the boyfriend I had at age 14 often told me this subtly, and he preferred hanging out with my best friend because she liked playing sports and running around. I was always very resentful of her.

I grew up very fast, and never had time for childish things. I do enjoy dancing, singing and things along those lines, but I find that I'm often trying to relive the childhood I never got to accomplish. I guess board games aren't as much as tackle street football, but I think dancing on bars are a lot more fun than playing in the snow.

When I was at Matthew's place on Wednesday night we did have a tickle fight, which was something I normally would never do. I'm actually not that ticklish but Matthew is very ticklish so I thought it was only fair to play along. I've never been that type of girl, but Matt really likes this kind of silly fun, and I am willing to oblige as much as possible.

Matt also really likes Will Ferrel movies, his favorites being Anchorman and Talledega Nights. I don't really do comedies, my close friends explain this to others by saying... "I don't like to laugh." Even as a kid I remember having a computer, not many toys at all. I think I've been programmed to not like fun.

I know so many guys in relationships with girls and everyone thinks, why is he dating her, she's so boring or she's such a bitch. I hope I don't become that girl... I hope Matthew can deal with me being really boring, or at least can help me be less so. He might be the type of boy I need, someone that will help me have some silly fun once in a while, so I stop growing up so fast. He can be the Spongebob to my Squidward :)

Ready and Willing

A have a lot of blog entries where I call out girls for sleeping around. I rarely ever call out guys for doing the same thing, because while I think sleeping around is wrong on both counts, I honestly believe it's less wrong with guys than girls. Now, I'm not saying this in the cliche sense of that's just the way it is, even though in fact, let's be honest, that is just the way it is, but to be perfectly honest, a lot of things fucked girls over way because any girl in this generation even had a chance to drop their pants, climb into a van or adorn leggings as pants.

God Fucked Us Over

• Unfortunetely for us, there are just biological differences between boys and girls, as you may have noticed. We pop out babies. While birth control and condoms are a very good thing they aren't 100% effective, and although I'm pro-choice, you can't just be killing fetuses left and right...
• Let's not even talk about how many people I know have herpes, just within the Baltimore-Metropolitan area, but females can get all kinds of STDs that guys can transmit though they have no symptoms. Not just shit that will make you itchy, but HPV can lead to cervical cancer. I believe syphallis is the one that will make you unable to have children.

Girls Fuck Each Other Over

• This category is most important. As Ms. Norbury says, "You all have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores. It just makes it ok for guys to call you sluts and whores." There are sites like Fueled By Gossip that have bi-weekly "Groupies Posts" you don't see guys doing that!
• Guys high five each other when they hook up with a girl, while close girl friends do the same thing, other girls are quick to judge them for it.
• Said close friends turn into enemies really fucking fast. Guys don't care if their buddy hooks up with the same girl they did, as long as they didn't actually like them that much. Girls on the other hand, collect boys like fucking Pokemon, so the boy they kissed in kindergarten is still off limits. Break this rule and your business is in the streets...
• Girls are jealous. Some girls want to be with the guy you fucked. Some girls wish they could freely sleep around. Some girls wish they looked as good without pants on. Either way, we're all looking for an excuse to hate you, and it makes it a whole lot easier if you can't keep your fucking legs closed.

The Music Industry Fucks You Over

• There's a whole lot of boys in bands and a whole lot less girls. If you ever want to actually be in the music industry, you're not going to get very far if you've slept with all a whole label worth of band boys. Band boys can sleep around because they already have jobs and it's basically in the job description. If you're a girl, have a job in the industry, and sleep around, good luck keeping that job.
  

You Fuck Yourself Over

• There's a million studies out there that says sex is different for females. He's not going to be the one crying in the bathroom if you bring a new guy to the show, but you bet your ass when he blows you off (which he probably will after he gets in your pants) and leaves you off the guest list, no matter how much you hate to admit it, you're gonna be hurt.
• You go to them. For the most part, guys don't do a damn thing to get your attention. They're on tour and smell awful, burp freely and may mention other girls, yet you take your little dress and big boots and shimmy your way into their radar. You become something to do between doors and the time they play, like a substitute for dinner.
• You already know all of this, yet you still do all of these things then bitch when someone calls you a slut.

So while it sucks that a guy can show his junk at a party and everyone laughs, but if a girl ever flashes her boobs or her nudes end up online she's a slut for life, girls already know this. If you can't change the system, work within it. Don't make it so fucking obvious, as I heard recently "that girl looks like she's just hurtin' for some dick." If you're going to sleep around, everyone and their mom shouldn't know. Don't sleep with boys in the same damn band, or bands that are obviously friends with one another. If you do, don't complain when people call you a slut. And girls should probably stop calling each other sluts and whores, but sometimes there's no other word to use, some people are defined by what they do, a person that paints is a painter, a person that plays sports is an athlete, if the only thing you're known for is opening your legs then...